Monday, February 11, 2019

My Good and the Good of the Universe



Seven weeks have passed since I last posted. The hiatus wasn’t planned. I was ill for five of those weeks. The text of this posting is what preceded the illness; next week, what came out of it.

In December after several months of writing for publication, I realized I no longer had the energy or the will to write each day. Perhaps the time had come to simply retire from writing. To give up my heartwish of publishing books others might enjoy reading.

The 2018 self-published books—Prayer Wasn’t Enough, The 25th Anniversary Edition of A Cat’s Life, the reformatted A Cat’s Legacy, and The Gift of Nine Lives—were not selling well. I did not know how to use social media to market my books. Moreover, I was feeling too old to want to try to learn new tricks.  In addition, marketing would take time from writing. I simply didn’t have the energy to do both. I wasn’t sure I had the energy to do either.

For twenty-five years I’d tried to find an agent to represent my work; none had been interested. Perhaps my writing wasn’t good enough. I believe in the Universe—the Holy Oneness of All Creation, including all of us who populate our world—past, present, and future. I believe that if what I do or want to do is for my good and the good of the Universe, it will happen.

Yet, those four books hadn’t sold well.

Clearly my writing wasn’t for the good of the Universe. Perhaps writing was simply self-indulgent. Or were these thoughts examples of self-indulgence? Self-pity. “Woe is me.” “O you poor, poor slob, you!”

And why feel self-pity? After all, I had this blog. With its postings, I communicate with others whose on-line friendships I cherish.

As I got ready for 2019—the year in which I turn 83 in April—I thought that perhaps writing a post a week was enough to satisfy my longing to communicate with others the experiences I’d had during a wonderfully long life.

By Christmas, I decided to give up all writing but blogging.

The decision stunned me. I felt as if I’d harvested the wheat of my life and flung it into the stratosphere of oblivion.

To fill the resultant malaise, I made another decision: I’d spend the years I had left doing other things I also enjoyed: I’d blog, visit with friends more often, bake yeast bread, try new vegetarian soup recipes.

I’d learn to watercolor; teach myself to draw; study Old English, Classical Greek, and Latin again; and perhaps learn online Spanish.

Why I’d work jigsaw puzzles, play solitaire to my heart’s content, practice the keyboard, discover new mystery writers, and in general, just go with the flow of the day. I’d let it lead me to wherever contentment awaited me.

Sounded like a plan to me.

Then on New Year’s Day, a sinus infection made itself know. The next five weeks saw the arrival of a head cold, a chest cold, an extended bout of asthma with labored breathing, two 10-day series of anti-biotics, and steroidal tablets to keep my chest from a pneumonia invasion. Much coughing; interrupted sleeping; using up four boxes of Kleenex. A trip to Urgent Care for a breathing treatment and to the internist.

By last Monday, all that was over. Now I felt like wheat grain that had been ground between mill stones. I’d become flour.

What does one do with flour? Bake.

Next week I’ll share with you what I’m baking this year.

Peace.

30 comments:

  1. So glad you are feeling healthy again, Dee! I have enjoyed your books, as have many others, and i don’t think you should feel that because you aren’t selling as many as you hoped that you are not a good enough writer. With the advent of self publishing there are SO many books on the market, most of them so un- or under- edited, that it’s very hard for the good ones to rise to the top of the heap.
    “To everything there is a season ....”. I hope you will find joy in the pleasure your writing has brought to you and many others over the years, and in your new undertakings, whatever they are.

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    1. Dear Cynthia, as I sort through my options and examine my deepest heart wish, I'm making tentative decisions every day. Much of this is going to go in postings--almost like a memoir of the workings of my mine! I'm hoping that this will be of some interest to readers. It's been interesting for me to explore why I am like I am with regard to way I've been structuring my life. Peace.

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  2. Glad you are feeling better!

    "Clearly my writing wasn’t for the good of the Universe."

    This hurt my heart! :(

    Your writing is good. Take it from a reader of your blog! I guess that IS a good reason for the focus on blogging. We are here and we are reading!

    I can't wait to hear what you are baking. Is that a metaphor?

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    1. Dear Sandi, it is a metaphor! Remember learning all about figurative language in English classes in grade and high school? Oh the nuns really stressed it!

      As I said in the comment to Cynthia, I'm considering doing a series of posting that will be a sort of memoir of my thinking and how I got to where I am with my heart wish.

      Thanks for liking my writing. Peace.

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  3. It is lovely to see a post from you again. I am sorry that your body behaved treacherously and glad to hear you are in recovery mode.
    I am also VERY interesting in learning what you are 'baking'.
    Hugs.

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    1. Dear Sue, Sandi (in the comment above) identified the baking as a metaphor. Now the thing is will I be baking bagels or yeast bread or cookies or scones or dumplings or quick bread or stollen or what???? I'm on a discovery path with all this. Peace.

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  4. So glad are moving among us again, and fervently interested in what's leavening.

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    1. Dear Joanne, the leaven is so important--can't put too hot or too cool water on it if I expect it to raise the bread I'm baking! And I'm discovering that the metaphor covers a lot of aspects of my life. Thoughts are coming fast and furiously and I'm trying to simply let the thoughts themselves be the leaven. Peace.

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  5. Good to read you are out the other side, as it were. xx

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    1. Dear Bea, the cold/asthma, etc. seemed like a long journey to me. Now I do think I've reached the other side of the state!!!! of ill health! Peace.

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  6. Glad you're back to blogging. I really enjoy what your share here. I hope you start feeling totally healed soon.

    I had a similar life-long desire to write and get published---never submitted anything like you have but I did take the self-publishing route, too. For me it was enough, just seeing my words in book form. For a while I thought I had one more book in me but finally gave up that dream and decided to just be a happy blogger, channeling my writing in that lane. It's hard to give up a dream, Dee, we have to go through a mourning period before we can realize it was the right thing to do...at least it was for me.

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    1. Hello, as you say, there is a mourning period and I'm feeling that. I'm still now sure where I will come down on the continuum of writing, but there will always be something I will be working on. For me, there is nothing more enjoyable than crafting a good sentence.

      Have you ever blogged about your writing adventures? I think that would be interesting and helpful to others. Peace.

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  7. I have read and learned from each one of your books, starting back with your first book that you and Dulcy wrote. I'm glad you made it through all that illness and have returned to us who care about you. Please continue to write, even if it's "only" on your blog. :-)

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    1. There's nothing I can add to this, except I love you!!

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    2. Dear DJan, I'm into trying to understand what "going with the flow" really means. As well as "living in the moment." As well as what Yoda said, Not try; do.

      Thank you for saving that you've enjoyed the books I've had the opportunity to write. That makes me smile inside! Peace.

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    3. Dear Fishducky, you are such a dear. I know that today was a really important one in your life because of your new living facility. I hope that you will find many friends there who will so enjoy the delight that is Fishducky. Peace.

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  8. Cynthia said it all very well, and yes, “To everything there is a season”. Be joyful in your accomplishments and know that you have touched many with your words. Although monetary rewards are always welcoming, the most important part is your effort and the satisfaction you got from putting your stories out into the world. You should be very proud.

    I am glad to hear that you are feeling better. When you stopped blogging suddenly, I was concerned. Have fun baking, painting and learning. Life can begin again at any time in life, even at 83 years young.

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    1. Dear Arleen, I've never been a moderate person. Throughout my life, friends, family members, co-workers, and bosses have encouraged me to find the "middle way." But as a young child I heard the song from "Oklahoma" in which was the line, "with me it's all or nothin'."

      Unfortunately, I seemed to grab hold of that line as my mantra for living. But it's time to find a new path--still being moderate means that life won't be all one way. I find myself considering what will bring me both happiness and a sense of achievement, which has always been necessary to me.

      As I said in my response to Cynthia's comment (the first on this page), I'm wondering about a series of postings on just how my thinking has evolved. If I can do and hold the interest of readers like you, than I'll truly feel a sense of accomplishment! Peace.

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  9. So glad you are feeling better. You were missed. All the things you mentioned doing that you enjoy sound wonderful and will make many full and enjoyable days. I too would love to hear about your bread and soup making. I never had time or energy before I retired, but love to invent soups and bread now.

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    1. Dear Elaine, I have a vegetarian cookbook that is devoted entirely to soups. It was given to me by a Minnesota friend before I moved here to Missouri in 2009. I haven't delved into enough to really say that it's quite wonderful, but I will say that every recipe I've tried--maybe 5--has been delicious.

      After I've done some cooking this Spring, I'll let you know my final opinion!!! Peace.

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  10. Ohh I am so sorry you have been sick. Welcome to the better side of health. I wish you had met your publishing goals only for your sake. As for me, I have enjoyed all your writing in the form of books but very much this blog. Blogs are wonderful. Besides giving us an outlet for our writing needs, it introduces us to people we would never normally meet and we get instant feed back on our writing. Besides, it does give us the leisure to pursue a host of other interests. Go for all of those interests you mentioned Dee. Let the pressure go.

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    1. Dear Patti, what I'm learning is just how much pressure I put on myself to meet my goals. No one else is telling me I have to have this chapter or this book done by this date. Or that I must do the yoga DVD three times a weak or be a real wimp! I do that to myself and my thinking is evolving about all this. I so appreciate that you and others who read my blog are willing to put up with my mind/soul searching. With my looking for the path to aging. Peace.

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  11. Such good news that you are feeling better and blogging again. The crud had a strong hold on you, and so happy it has finally let go and you can feel healthy again. My heart aches for your decision, but in reading all the other things you have planned, I say good for you Dee Ready. You are almost 83, and look at what you plan and look forward to achieving. I hope to have such plans at 83! Oh, baking bread and making soup--such satisfying, joyous moments creating nourishment! I have been making bread again since first of January--no store bought bread since before Christmas (I even baked today, in between work!). I received several cookbooks for Christmas, and there are some dandy soup recipes. One was a mushroom barely soup that filled our stomachs on a snowy night.
    I agree with Arkansas Patti--let the pressure go. It hurts, yes, but then joy will come to you through all the other plans you have. You did write. You did publish. You followed through with your plans. You have the respect of everyone who reads your blog. You are blessed. So now, I am looking forward to hearing about your cooking adventures. And by the way, I found an old copy of the first Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Katzen on eBay. It was just $8 and in great condition!! I will let you know what I make next....Joy to you dear Dee!

    Lynda

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    1. Dear Lynda, so glad you found the Cookbook. It's old and so doesn't concern itself with health concerns like too much oil/butter, etc. But you are such a gifted cook that you will be able to take the recipes and make them even better.

      I keep seeing you running a tea shoppe that offers not just tea but baked goods and maybe every day a different sandwich or entree.
      Did you ever go to the "Ole Tea Shoppe" on Main St. in Stillwater? I'm not sure if it's still there but I so enjoyed it. Peace.

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  12. I haven't read your books Dee, but I do enjoy reading here on your blog. Glad you are planning to continue. Good luck too with watercolors. That's another thing I love to dabble in. Glad you came out on the happy side of all those illnesses!

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    1. Dear Molly, I'm glad you enjoy this blog. I'm not sure when the learning how to watercolor will happen. There's so much I want to do and I seem to nap a lot and sleep 9 hours every night and there's always the reading and so I don't have time for all I long to do. In reality, I think that's a happy state of affairs! Peace.

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  13. Dearest Dee, I'm so sorry that you have been ill, but glad you are feeling better. I am looking forward to finding out what your next steps will be.

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    1. Dear Inger, I'm slowly realizing what I'd like to do right now and in the coming year. I'll share that as sort of a "thought" memoir! Hope you are well and that days bring much contentment. Peace, pressed down and overflowing.

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  14. my precious Dee i love you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    just want to give you a tight hug!

    you are such an inspirational soul which have stunned me always with your will power and fighter spirit !

    i used to read a lot in past when i had time and i can swear that you are one of the best i have read ,if you are not good writer no one else is either !

    i am so proud of you that you managed to write four books

    i bet they are acknowledged and appreciated though may be little less than you expected but they did good

    i wish that you may you can keep your eyes on "FILLED PART OF GLASS"

    which is that you have established quite lot until now
    you been loved by friends and online fellows

    your writing has power to hold eyes and mind !

    and through your writing i am able to meet a glorious ,humble precious soul!

    By the grace of Lord you have recovered from recent illness and feeling better
    Flour ah when time and life's odds turn us into flour we must know that

    FLOUR IS NEEDED BY ALL !

    it fills not only stomach but gives pleasure to eyes and senses of having it
    i would love to know what you been baking this week?
    stay strong and positive my friend

    i am one who knows it so well that i would not live as longer as you and i am happy with this and keen to leave this world before i start to depend on other due to health issues i am suffering with ,so stay blessed you did GREAT!

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    1. Dear Baili, thank you for your kind words of appreciation and encouragement. I'm thinking that flour can be used to make so many delicious treats and I'm going to "try some new recipes!!!!" Peace.

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