Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Feeling Guilty for an Adult's Actions


It was on Wednesday, December 19, that I last posted a story from my life for this on-line-memoir blog. That posting was about two Christmas gifts I received in 1946 when I was ten and in fifth grade. The two gifts were a medallion and a rayon slip embellished with lace. I ended that posting with these words, “Always,” that slip “gave me confidence and I needed that in the fifth grade. In January I’ll explain why.”
         Today, I’m writing about events that shattered my sense of security between the opening of school in September 1946 and Thanksgiving. Here’s what happened:
         In grades one through four, I boarded a city bus each morning that delivered me to St. Mary’s in Independence, Missouri. A number of students who attended the Catholic grade school, my brother and I among them, lived out in the country and caught that bus into town.
         However, my father’s drinking left little money for bus fare, so when a neighbor with three children offered to drive my brother and me to school at the beginning of fifth grade, Mom took him up on his offer.
         The first day of school—Tuesday, September 3, 1946—set the pattern for the next three months. The neighbor—let’s call him Mr. Jackson—sat behind the steering wheel in the front seat. I sat next to him. To my right sat his daughter who was in first grade. My younger brother and the neighbor’s two sons sat in the back seat.


A 1941 Plymouth fastback sedan from Wikipedia.

         As he steered the car that first day, Mr. Jackson abruptly shoved his hand under my uniform skirt, roughly pushed aside my panties, and stuck his fingers into my vaginal opening. He moved his fingers around, plunging them deeper and deeper and then withdrawing them and pinching the labia. Over and over he did this throughout the three-mile drive to school. No one had ever touched that part of my body before then and I felt not only surprised but also uncomfortable with what was happening.
         “Please don’t do that Mr. Jackson,” I said.
         “You like this. I know you do.”
         “I don’t. It feels bad.”
         Giving my labia one final pinch, he removed his right hand from under my skirt and slid his right arm behind my back. Then he began to squeeze my right breast. That hurt and I cried out.        
         “Shut up!” he said. And I did. For the next three months, Mr. Jackson did this on the trip to and from school each day.
         During each school day, I’d try to figure out how I could get into the back seat of his car. When he came to pick us up at the end of the school day, I’d say something like, “Mr. Jackson, I need to sit in the back seat so that I can start on my homework.”
         He’d laugh and say, “The back seat belongs to the boys! You’ll sit in front with me.”
         Always I had to accept being wedged between him and his young daughter who stared out the window as we drove home. Even today I do not like to think about what her life must have been like living with her father.
         And so the days passed, with Mr. Jackson thrusting his fingers into my vagina opening or squeezing my breast all the way to and from school.
I never told my mom or dad about this because I thought that I’d done something that made our neighbor do this. I was at fault.
         All this ended on Thursday, November 28, 1946—Thanksgiving Day. In my next posting, I’ll tell you about the final scene and the epilogue of this event in my life.
        
Postscript: Those of you who don’t follow my blog on writing may want to click here to discover the concluding posting I did on my entry into the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest.

65 comments:

  1. Oh, Dee, I feel absolutely sick and so angry at how you were violated...how your innocence was crushed. I am a firm believer that what a person sows, they then reap, and I would like to think that despicable person received justice, somehow, someway.

    You are so brave to write about this.

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    1. Dear Shelly, thank you for your words of understanding. I hesitated to write about this because I didn't want to offend anyone sensibilities. And yet this incident explains so much of the rest of my life. So writing about it was necessary. Like you, I believe that pedophiles take away the innocence of children. And their lives change then for all time. Peace.

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  2. And some people try to claim that paedophilia and child abuse didn't happen in the past, Dee! It has always happened and I'm so sad it happened to you. I can't wait to hear how you managed to end it after only 3 months.

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    1. Dear Perpetua, people do try to claim that but not only did this happen to me in 5th grade but something similar happened to a friend of mine when we were in the 8th grade. And both times, few people knew. At that time, things like this weren't reported to the police. It is a blessing that times have changed and pedophilia is seen as the tragedy it is. Peace.

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  3. Oh Dee. I am hurting for you, and all the other children who have been placed in this dreadful, dreadful position. Hurting for you, hurting with you.

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    1. Dear EC, I'm unable to read stories in the newspaper that follow a headline about children and pornography or pedophilia. Like you, I hurt for those children and for the loss of their innocence. Peace.

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    2. Today at Lifeline I spoke with a woman who had been repeatedly raped (and on sold) by her father. Bless her heart she felt guilty because after she was thrown out (pregnant at 16) she didn't know how to save her sisters. I hurt for her too. And her siblings. And cannot tell you what I wish on the perpetrators.

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    3. Dear EC. I simply cannot imagine what life must have been like for that woman when she was a chile--being raped repeatedly and being sold for rape by her father. No one to trust. No one with whom to feel secure. I am able to relate to her guilt. What a horrible burden to feel guilty because she didn't know how to save her sisters from the same fate. Was there anyone to help her after she was thrown out, pregnant, at 16? Did anyone come to her aid?

      So often it's the victims who feel guilt. I don't really understand why those who created such ugliness don't feel guilty. I don't understand the deep, down darkness in the soul of the perpetrator. Here's where I falter in my belief about Oneness and goodness. What happened that a person's inner goodness was so warped and so darkened that he, the father, could do that to his daughter and let others rape her. This for me, is true mystery.

      I wonder if anyone truly understands why people can do these evil things. I can't. All I can do is condemn those actions and try to help wherever and whenever I can. That, too, for me is mystery. Peace.

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  4. I'm so sorry, Dee. If that had happened to me, I wouldn't have known what to do. How confusing and traumatizing for a child.
    I have tears for you because I love you so.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Dear Janie, I truly didn't know what to do either. You'll see in next Wednesday's posting how it resolved itself without my doing anything. And yes, it was so confusing and traumatizing. It affected much of the rest of my life. Peace.

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  5. I'm so sorry you went through this, Dee. I also feel bad for "Mr. Jackson's" daughter. :(

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    1. Dear Elisa, like you I feel almost despair about Mr. Jackson's daughter. And also I fear somewhat ashamed because during that time I don't remember thinking about what she might be going through at home or what might happen when she began to mature. I thought only of how to get out of that front seat. Peace.

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  6. Dear Dee, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry...

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    1. Dear Fishducky, this truly was sad but what's tragic is that this happens to so many children every day. It is so wrong. Peace.

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  7. I also am stunned by this revelation of what was an ongoing childhood trauma. It is sickening, and the fact that he continued to get away with it for so long just turns my stomach. I look forward to finding out how you managed to end it. Thank God that children have some recourse these days. Or at least some of them do... :-(

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    1. Dear DJan, yes, this was a trauma and it really has affected me most of my life. I hope in my next posting to be able to talk a little about that. If the posting gets too long, I'll continue it another week because I think things like this need to be brought out into the open and discussed. Only then can we help children today who are living with this terror. Peace.

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  8. It is a deep sadness that accompanies such a terrible thing happening to an innocent child as you were, Dee. I can relate a tiny bit, because an older boy in my neighborhood tried similar things with me when I was about that age -- only one time, though, and I was able to tell my parents. It was hard for adults to deal with such things then. Of course, it always is, and children do feel like they might have caused it to happen. There are scars one must deal with. You are brave and dear to share this and to attempt to help others work through the results of similar stories.

    I also hope you have a good result in the novel contest. :)

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    1. Dear Deanna, I'm so relieved that you were able to talk with your parents about what had happened. Mom never talked to me about any of this at all when I was younger. Sex and sexual predators and molestation and sexual abuse simply weren't mentioned then. And there were no headlines in the paper about any of this. I'm so glad that today there is help for children who endure this. If that is, it's reported. If not, then they live with shame for many years--perhaps the rest of their lives. Peace.

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  9. Hello Dee, for some reason as soon as I began to read your post, I knew what this man did!!! I also know back in those days, these things were not spoken of. I feel so angry and unchristian because I would like to hit this man so hard! Too many men (and some women) get away with these things. My daughters and I, never, leave our children with men whether they are our husbands sons or brothers.. I have my 11yr old granddaughter with me a lot during school holidays. I constantly talk to her about anyone trying to touch her where they shouldn't. More people need to be aware of molestation. It happens to one in three children according to statistic. Very sad, and I am so terribly sorry, that this happened to you. Hugs from me.

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    1. Dear Crystal, the horrible thing about sexual predators is that they have made women afraid for their children (both boys and girls) and for themselves. So we all live with quite a bit of subliminal fear. It's not healthy and not good for our immune systems I suspect. It may be part of the reason for many of the health problems. And it's not just sexual predators that make us fearful. There seem to be so many problems that confront children today--drugs and pornography and the availability of guns to name a few. Peace.

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  10. There are so many instances I see, today and throughout history, that point to the notion that girls and women are devalued by men and the culture enough that this kind of behavior doesn't matter. It makes me sad. It also makes me sad to think what this man lived with in his own life that made him think this was the way to treat other people. I am so sorry that this happened to you and you weren't able to share it with anyone who could empower you to make it stop. I am sending love and light to that little girl.

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    1. Dear Kario, for many years I blocked what Mr. Jackson did. And I blocked my own shame and guilt also. All of that affected my life in adverse ways. It was only when I was in my 30s that I began to wonder what had happened to cause that deviation in him. I wondered what had stunted his emotional growth so that he desired children.

      I also wonder why many men and many cultures have devalued women. Where does that come from? Is it from the Christian, or perhaps simply Catholic, teaching that Eve caused the fall? All that tragedy from a myth? And why did that myth that placed all the blame on women exist? Was it a man who first told that story? So much shrouded in mystery. If you know a good book I could read about this, I'd be grateful for a title. Peace.

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  11. Dee, How brave of you to even share it now! After all these years it still must bring pain to even think about it. Yet how many young girls have been in exactly the same powerless situation. I suppose there are millions of girls who've experienced this level of abuse. I'm so sorry that it happened to you, and I am really eager to read the "what came next" and to learn how you handled yourself and this abuser. And I, too, wonder about his poor daughter. He was so brazen with you, there's little doubt his daughter was a victim, too!

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    1. Dear Debra, I think you are so right about millions of young girls experiencing this. It's a blight. Peace.

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  12. Dee, I think my comments are disappearing again! Oh dear! I just want to say how terribly sorry I am for what you experienced. It's a terrible thing to harm a child in this way, and I am so eager to read the next installment and discover how you managed to stop the abuse! Blessings to you, my dear friend. Debra (http://www.breathelighter.wordpress.com)

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    1. Dear Debra, as you can see, your first comment did come through. I'm so glad that I'm going to be reading blogs again now and will return and find your thoughtful and wise words. Peace.

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  13. My heart just breaks for the little girl in you who was so abused, Dee, and for the daughter and what her life must have been like. I wonder, too, what those sons became, for they surely knew what their father was doing. How brave you were, and still are, for writing about it is reliving it, isn't it, but a brave thing to do as I your words will reach others who have endured the same abuse. Bless you, Dee, for what you do here on your post pages and in your life's actions.

    I sometimes find it odd that we think of times past as idyllic, simple, and safe when they weren't any safer than today. The only positive thing is that women, and men, like you have been able to talk about abuse, give it a name, bringing it out in the open and, hopefully, helping those who are abused today and tomorrow and yesterday.

    Now, dear Dee, I need go over and check on that Amazon contest.

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    1. Dear Penny, you have so found the heart of this whole posting. Thank you for your wise words. And yes, I think the main difference between then and now is that we can talk of this much more openly. Also perhaps, parents, especially many mothers, speak to their daughters about this much earlier. But I've heard of cases where the wife/mother/woman is so needy of having a husband that she knowingly allows/lets incest happen in the family. I never had to fear either my father or my brother. And that surely was some security. Peace.

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  14. Oh, Dee! Your life had enough pain, and then this! I cannot wait to hear what stopped this! His poor daughter!

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  15. Dear Susan, that's it--his poor daughter. This kept happening to me for only three months. I truly shudder to think what her life was like with him. Peace.

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  16. I'm so sick, Dee. How incredibly sad. How is it that your brother didn't see something? That no one say anything. UGH. So, very heartbreaking.

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    1. Dear Juli, I truly wonder if my little brother or the man's sons knew what was happening. We were all pretty innocent. I wasn't even sure what was going on. I certainly couldn't put a name to it. Peace.

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  17. I think my comment disappeared. :( I am so saddened and heartbroken for you to have had to endure this. How is it that NO ONE saw anything, or heard you tell him to stop.

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    1. Dear Juli, I suspect that Mr. Jackson's two sons and my younger brother in the back seat were truly unaware of what was happening. I never cried out. After the first time, I simply endured what he did and kept mum. My brother was only seven and so probably wouldn't have recognized what was taking place even if he did stop his chattering and play in the back seat to lean over the front seat and see Mr. Jackson's hand moving under my skirt. In next Wednesday's posting I'll explain a little more about why I said nothing. Peace.

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  18. Dee, I remember that time in history. There evidently was a lot of child abuse going on but it wasn't brought out in the open like it is now. Many mothers would make the girl feel as if it were her fault. But the abused girls would confide in their girl friends. I recall 2 of my girl friends confided abuse to me. I can recall how shocked I was. They both were scared to tell their mothers.
    So sorry that happened to you and it must be difficult for you to talk about it.

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    1. Dear Manzanita, unfortunately, I didn't even tell my closest friends what was happening. Nor did I say anything to them when two of my cousins tried to, as we said then, "feel me up." I was too ashamed to do this. And I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. "Don't rock the boat" seemed to be my mantra. Peace.

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  19. "Coming Home To Myself" has been included in the Sites To See for this week. Be assured that I hope this helps to point many new visitors in your direction.

    http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2013/01/sites-to-see_25.html

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  20. please don't hold us in suspense too long.

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    1. Dear Mimi, unless something goes really awry, I'll be posting the ending of this story next Wednesday. That is, if I can fit it into one posting. If not, I'll make this a trilogy!!!! Peace.

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  21. Dear Dee,

    This story took my breath away. There are no words to express my revulsion over what this loathsome man did to you. Hopefully, the next part of this story will tell us about what horrible fate he came to, however, as with most of these pedifiles, I fear he got away with this and went on to torment many children for years to come.

    So sorry about what you have endured in your life. You are a beautiful person, and how you have come out of that and lived such a meaningful life, is a miracle.

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    1. Dear Arleen, the most horrible thought for me is that this is part of so many children's lives right now. Thank you, Arleen, for your words about my life. I've been blessed in so ways that I feel truly that life has been a miracle. Peace.

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  22. That never should have happened to you. I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing this with us. This is an alarming and heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry.

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    1. Dear Stephanie, thank you for your concern. I'm sure that as the mother of a little girl you worry at times about something like this happening to Peanut. One of the differences between her and the little girl--myself--I wrote about is that in today's world we talk more openly of this possibility with our children. That's a blessing. Peace.

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  23. I relate to your story somewhat since I was sexually abused by my brother --who was 12 yrs. older than I was... The saddest part for me was when I was a teen, I finally had the strength to tell my mother what was going on.. WELL---she didn't believe me. (My brother was always her favorite.) That hurt worse than the fact that I had been sexually abused.

    What did I do? My brother left home and never bothered me again. He died in 1985 from cancer. My mother never EVER talked to me about it again ---and I never mentioned it again to her. It was as if it never happened at all.

    I went on with my life --but there was some deep scaring inside of me. My weight soared --and it affected my first marriage. I spent much of my adult life trying to be perfect --working a million hours a day but never taking care of myself. I excelled in my career ---but there was something missing.

    FINALLY--when I was in my 50's, I had a minister friend whom I confided in. He convinced me to get some counseling --which I did. It helped tremendously. (Don't know why I waited so long.)

    I began thinking about ME---and began taking care of myself. I moved away from family and friends and started OVER. Soon after I moved to TN, I met George Adams. We fell in love and got married --and I have been happier these past almost 12 yrs. than I had been in my entire life. George loves me for me --and helps me to love myself, forgive my mother and brother (Mom died in 1991), and accept myself as a good person.

    We all have our stories to tell--some similar, some different. I look back on my life --and truly, I did have a good life overall. I raised 3 wonderful sons ---and did well financially.

    Right now though, I thank God for George Adams and what he has brought to me. I feel as if my life began at age 59!!!

    Hugs,
    Betsy

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    1. Dear Betsy, what a blessing you are to all of us. You've shared a story that must be hard to tell and you've done so with such honesty in this comment. I know it will help anyone who reads it.

      I'm printing here the URL for the posting in which you shared your story on your own blog. I'm sure it will help many readers who either know someone who has endured abuse or who have young children and relatives whom they can help.

      Here's the URL for Betsy's posting on her own experience and forgiveness:
      http://betsyfromtennessee.blogspot.com/2011/05/truth-about-forgiveness.html

      Betsy, thank you so much for this comment. I so admire your fortitude and perseverance. I'm not surprised that your mom didn't believe me. I've heard many times about women who don't believe their daughters when they tell them about incest. What a blessing George is in your life. A true blessing from the Universe as you are a blessing yourself. Peace now and always.

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  24. Sometimes I come upon something I deeply wish I could do a rewrite on...change the facts, change the outcome....this is one of those times for me. ~Mary

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    1. Dear Mary, thank you. I, too, wish that I could change the outcome and yet I know that the experience has helped me relate to other women in a way I might not have without this early experience. Peace.

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  25. I am so sorry this happened to you. It's so sad that children twist things around and feel guilty when these atrocities are done to them. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, it brings tears to my eyes. I was also deeply touched by Betsy's comment above and will visit her blog to let her know.

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    1. Dear Inger, like you, I was deeply touched by Betsy's comment. Such honesty about a trauma like she endured is truly exceptional. Peace.

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  26. No child nor adult fro that matter should ever have to endure what you have, Dee. I sorry you suffered so in your childhood.

    Be well and Happy.

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    1. Dear Pam, so many children suffer through abuse that I have come to think that I really suffered very little for it ended in three months. The truth is though that the episode affected me greatly for many years. Thank you, Pam, for your concern. Peace.

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  27. Whenever I hear a story like yours I feel very angry. I am afraid I am not a good Christian, my first thought is: I hope he got what he deserved.

    Poor Dee and poor children suffering everywhere. The only hope is that you find help in coping with abuse.

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    1. Dear Friko, yes, the children suffering everywhere--from abuse and war and poverty and homelessness and all the darkness that can be found in our world amidst its beauty. As an adult, I got professional help when I was in my 30s. But so many women and men, also, who are sexually abused or molested (as I was) never do get help.

      I hope that in next Wednesday's posting I've have space to say something about what happened to Mr. Jackson. If not, I'm going to tell this story in three episodes! Peace.

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  28. Oh Dee. I hate that this happened to you. I'm so very sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry it happens to so many of us.

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    1. Dear Michelle, thank you. And yes, it happens to so many of us. I remember reading your memoir and what happened with you. Peace.

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  29. Oh, Dee! How sad that such a horrible thing happened to you! So many of us were molested as children and never told because we felt it must have been something we did! I thought I was a bad seed! I have always wondered how people live with themselves when they've done something so awful!

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    1. Dear Nancy, I'm so grieved to learn that you too had this happen. And yes, I know just what you mean by the thinking that it is we who are the bad seed. I wonder if those who do this--the perpetrators--have any understanding at all about the effects of their actions. Do they have a moral compass? I just don't know. Peace.

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  30. I stopped breathing as I read your story. I cannot imagine what kind of pervert would do that to a child. I wept for you and that poor little girl on the front seat with you. ((sigh))

    Its so sad that you felt you couldn't tell your Mum.
    Did you ever ask your brother whether he saw anything?

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    1. Dear Rosie, I don't know what drives the people who molest and abuse children. I wonder if part of the urge isn't arrested maturity. I never asked my brother if he saw anything. In fact, I never talked about all this until I saw a psychiatrist in 1975.
      So I would have been 39 years old. Peace.

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  31. The power that adults have over children has always made me sad when they abuse it. And over my lifetime I have heard of many and witnessed some that I tried to get resolved but the system seems to favour men and believe them. Only now is that beginning to change.
    Sexual abuse is the single worst issue that never seems to improve regardless of religion or higher education. The wealthy and the poor are victims.

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    1. Dear Heidrun, I agree with everything you've said here. Sexual abuse is so horrific because it can affect all of one's life. And sometimes the lives of others as well. Peace.

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  32. I read this post a while ago and found it to upsetting to comment on at the time. It reminded me of a couple of incidents in my own life -- although I was able to extricate myself from the situation I still remember the shock and disbelief that adults I should have been able to trust were in fact leading vile and destructive lives. Thank goodness that your parents did believe you and did something about it.

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    1. Dear Broad, yes, I was blessed in my parents. Within a few weeks, I'll be posting about something that happened in the summer after fifth grade that reveals a weakness in my father. We all have these weaknesses, but some are harder on us than others.

      I'm relieved to learn that you were able to extricate yourself from the incidents you mention. I immediately blamed myself for Mr. Jackson's actions. I simply was unable to accept that an adult could be in the wrong. I surely wore "rosy-colored" glasses. I couldn't even fault my father for his drinking. If only I were different, I thought, he wouldn't drink. Peace.

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  33. I am just sick for you! I hope that creep was caught and punished. I really do!
    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com

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