Saturday, February 18, 2012

Deep Commitment

(Continued from Tuesday . . . )
I found my first post-convent job in January 1967. Through my work, I met a couple who were already protesting the Vietnam War. One day each week, no matter what the season, they stood for an hour—in complete and utter silence—in front of the army recruiting office in downtown Dayton. Many others stood with them. Their silence spoke volumes.


You may wonder why I wasn’t standing there. I have no ready answer. Perhaps I was caught up in a freedom I hadn’t known in nine years. The people I met differed from those with whom I’d lived in the convent. They both intrigued and flummoxed me. The protesting couple did both.
Let’s call them Jim and Jeanne. Younger than I, they had three children, who ranged in age from a few months to about eight years. Jim, a master of understatement, had a wry sense of humor. He’d say something offhandedly; I’d miss the joke. His eyes would gleam. Suddenly I’d catch on and giggle.        
Somewhat sardonic about life, Jim was cynical about government and its underlying motives. But he was gentle with his children and interested in new ideas and new ways of looking at things.
Jeanne was what we now call “a stay-at-home mom.” Tall and lean, with a wide smile, she sprinkled four-letter words throughout a conversation. Prude that I was, I found this off-putting. Judgmental as I was, I thought she wasn’t a nice person—like myself of course. Not even my father when he’d had too much to drink had ever used those offensive words around me.
In fact, Mom and Dad had never allowed my brother or me to use even the mildest cuss words. They forbade “Hell” and “Damn.” When angry, Mom would say, “Oh fiddle-de-dee.” Once when teaching in Baileyville, Kansas, I dropped a pile of books on the floor. “Oh, fiddle-de-dee!” I muttered.
Good-humoredly, a student shouted, “When you say that, Sister Innocence, you’re really saying, ‘Damn’! Admit it! We all know it!”  The class laughed gleefully and so did I. He was right.
But I wasn’t able to laugh about Jeanne’s language. Hearing it, I found her wanting. Then life intervened. We were at parties together. She lived next to another couple who’d become my good friends. In other words, we were “thrown together.” And so the learning began.
Slowly I realized that first impressions are often useless and wide of the mark. She was the most tolerant, giving, accepting, open-minded person I’ve ever known. Her heart was open to the needs of others. She might drolly say something that started with a four-letter word but what followed was to the point. Her conversation encapsulated common sense. Soon, instead of flummoxing me, she intrigued me with her broad-mindedness. I found myself wanting to be more like her, just without the four-letter words.
            These then were the two friends who stood each week in front of the army recruitment center—in silence. They spouted no words. They placed no blame. They threatened no misdeeds. They simply stood. And their presence was powerful.
                                                            (Continued on Tuesday . . . )

Photo by dan from freedigitalphotos.com

46 comments:

  1. This reminds me of a story I heard some years ago about Mother Teresa. She was to receive an honor before an ecumenical gathering of clergy. Business at hand, speeches, and introductions led to Mother Teresa's honor. They were there to hear her. She walked to the podium, stood on a stool in order to reach the microphone, and then said, simply "One, by one, by one", then returned to her seat.

    Your journey unfolds, Dee, one, by one, by one, and your words keep me enthralled and challenged and appreciative of your life's journey. Thank you. I look forward to learning more about Jim and Jeanne's quiet activism, as well as yours.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Penny,
      I don't know more about Jim and Jeanne's activism. I moved away from Dayton, kept touch for a while, and then, in about 1992, lost touch entirely. I know Jim died a few years ago and I know Jeanne still gently grieves.

      Their quiet protest and that young vet I met at Coffman Center at the U. of M. prompted the protest I will share on Tuesday.

      Peace.

      Delete
  2. Why do so many people stand so staunchly by their first impressions of people & situations when we can learn so much if we just allow ourselves to do so? I guess it's a form of mental laziness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Fran,
      I think it's somewhat natural to want to pigeon-hole people when we first meet them. As you say, it's a form of laziness. Sometimes those first impressions need no readjusting, but more often than not, they do.

      Peace.

      Delete
  3. I've been on my share of peace vigils in the past, Dee, usually protesting against nuclear weapons, but once a week is a true ongoing commitment. Like you I was not allowed to use swearwords when I was growing up and still resort to euphemisms even now. :-) I think many young people often don't really hear what they are saying and sprinkle their conversation with four-letter words quite automatically.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've always believed that four-letter words were used for their shock value. When they are used as often as they are today, where is the shock? The younger generations need to expand their vocabulary.

      Delete
    2. Dear Perpetua,
      As Fishducky says, sometimes those words are used for their shock value. I don't think that's how Jeanne meant them at all. They were just part of her everyday speech as you've suggested. Those words were said as automatically as I say, "Fiddle-dee-dee!" or "Saint Peter and Paul!"

      Silent protests seem to me to be more powerful than any other kind. And yes, Jim and Jeanne were truly committed. An "ongoing" commitment as you say.

      Peace.

      Delete
  4. Once again your post brings back memories! When I went away to Washington, DC to University, I was such an innocent -- and surrounded by a majority that were not so innocent. The language I heard in the all girls' dormitory was quite an education for me and I must admit that certain areas of my vocabulary were obscenely enhanced! At that time though (1963) such language was not heard in the way it is now -- on every street corner.

    Your friends' quiet protest was the way the anti-warm movement began -- a few people at a time. In Washington, in the Senate there were two Senators, Wayne Morse (D-Oregon) and William Fulbright (D-Arkansas) who almost daily spoke at length about it on the Floor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Broad,
      Thank you for bringing back to me the memory of Senator Wayne Morse and Senator William Fulbright. I'd forgotten that happened. The anti-war protest grew slowly and then picked up steam. First the silent standing, then the marches in the late '60s and early '70s. I'll say a little about that in Tuesday's posting.

      Peace.

      Delete
  5. The language used by the people surrounding you has captured your deepest attention and that is what is intriguing. I look forward to more of your insights.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Kleinste Motte,
      I've always been interested in listening to what people say, what words they use, how they say these words, when they pause, how they search for words. The whole dynamic of conversation enthralls me. The truth is that I do a lot of talking in any conversation, but I hope I also listen when the other person or people need or want to share. That is the hope of all of us I think.

      Peace.

      Delete
  6. I used to rely on first impressions when I was younger, because a few times it had really worked for me & I built upon that. I didn't realize at the time that I was filtering information a little too simply, my categories were too neat. Time taught me that.

    Having read you for a time, I think when you were younger you may have been more judgy of others..because you were super-judgmental with yourself. I hope you did come to realize that you are a warm, compassionate person.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Mary,
      Yes, it's those neat categories--those pigeon-holes--in our mind into which we want to push or shove or place people. So much easier to react or respond and not have to do any more thinking about who they are. As you say that can work sometimes and we can build on it, but it can also be too simplistic to capture the true essence of someone.

      I think you're right about the judgment. I was super-judgmental with myself and that probably did lead me to those quick judgments that proved almost always to be wrong. Thank you for your kind ending words. I value in myself the compassion I feel for others and for animals.

      Peace.

      Delete
  7. True, first impressions are often misleading. When I first met one of my best friends, I didn't like but after, like you mentioned, being "thrown together", I learned what a wonderful person she is! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Sujana,
      That's it! We can be unaware of the angels who can become our best friends. The trick is to stay around long enough to really get to know people. I'm glad that happened for you and the friend who has become so dear to you.

      Peace.

      Delete
  8. What a wonderful couple to be 'thrown together' with. Life enhancing, gentle caring people. There are not enough of them, and they should be cherished (despite apparent flaws like potty mouths). Thank you Dee, I look forward more than I can tell you to your posts, and am growing to love you and the people you introduce.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear EC,
      Thank you for your kind words. Jim and Jeanne were two special people who taught me not only about protesting but about judging harshly and too quickly. They were, as you've said, "life enhancing, gentle caring people." I regret that we have not kept in touch for they surely touched me in my thirties.

      Peace.

      Delete
  9. I too have made snap judgments based on preconceived notions of what a "good person" does or says. Time and reflection have been good teachers. I found that when exposed to bad language, it becomes so normal that I've become inured to certain words that really offend others. Now I try very hard to be neutral so that nobody is offended inadvertently.

    I also look forward to hearing more about your friends. In Boulder there is an antiwar group of women who stand on a certain street corner dressed in black, every week for an afternoon. People come and join them if so moved. I think it started with the Quakers and spread from there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear DJan,
      Those "snap judgments" can hurt others and hurt us, also, because we miss finding wonderful friends. I so like your idea of being "neutral" DJan. I'm sure that one of the reasons you have made so made friends in Washington state in the few years you've been there.

      Like you, I think many of the silent protests begin with the Quakers. Sam, who taught me about the Vietnam War when I was in Baileyville, was a Quaker. He was the first Quaker I'd ever met, and I came to admire them greatly. Sam was also the first pacifist I ever met.

      Peace.

      Delete
  10. Another well-written post leaves me longing for more.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Janie,
      Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you are looking forward to Tuesday's posting. I'll share the actual protesting I did at the University of Minnesota.
      Jeanne and Jim and the young vet at the U. got me started. I'll always be grateful to them.

      Peace.

      Delete
  11. The tale unfolds, little by little. Your learning process is fascinating. I find it amazing that your stay in a closed community for so long did not kill off your natural intelligence and querying mind.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Friko.
      Yes, little by little. That must be also how your memoir is unfolding. A piece of the puzzle at a time.

      You know, Friko, I have continued to keep in touch with nuns at the convent. They are among the most well-informed people I know. And in general, they are committed to the same things I am.

      After 1967, they changed to ordinary clothing and relaxed many of the strictures that had kept me in the dark. I was gone by then, but so happy to learn that they would be more involved in the world for which they had prayed so many years.

      They are committed pacifists.

      Peace.

      Delete
  12. We are all guilty of judging others too quickly. So glad you stuck around to get to know where this person's heart truly was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Arleen,
      Yes. So am I glad I stuck around. It was a salutary lesson for me.

      Peace.

      Delete
  13. What a lovely set of observations, Dee: I,too, have realised over time that my first impressions can be inaccurate. People need time to get to know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Kate,
      It's so true that we "need time to get to know" people and events and our own ideas. I still leap to snap judgments sometimes. Then I have to take myself by the scruff of the neck--I'm a real gymnast as you can see, very flexible!!!!--and shake out those initial judgments and start all over again.

      So often, also, I judge people as to whether they are like me! How egocentric is that? Instead, I need to discover and treasure who they are in themselves. That's a lesson it's taken me a long time to learn.

      Peace.

      Delete
  14. I admire silent and non-violent protests so much. It's so easy to let your anger turn into violence, which is much less effective. About swear words, let me tell you something that I find interesting: Bad words sound bad to us because we learned that they were bad as children. For example, I would hardly ever swear in Swedish. It sounds so bad to me. In English, however, I could swear up a storm and even though I know the words are "bad," this wouldn't bother me at all. I get no feelings of guilt. I don't swear often in English because it is of course not an acceptable way to communicate, but I don't get any of that childhood guilt when I do. Thought you might find that interesting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Inger,
      I find that very interesting. It never occurred to me before. I bet when I was in Greece twenty years ago the cab driver with whom I was arguing probably was cursing--he was so angry!--and I didn't even know it because I couldn't speak the language so nothing was offensive. Thanks for sharing this with me. I'll remember.

      Peace.

      Delete
  15. There is so much here, Dee. First, I love the non-verbal approach to protest. Definitely a case where silence speaks louder than words.

    Then I thought about the four letter words and what they say about the speaker. Truly "Jeanne" was a user of both and quite probably, was judged from both sides. I used to hang out with people who used more four letter words than others, and it sort of rubbed off on me for a time. Fortunately before I was a parent! Anyway, I remember thinking that those words were somehow more powerful, although now of course, I think of them as very limiting!

    Recently I went to a literacy conference and we talked about three levels of words: tier 1 are the basic, useful every day words that most know and understand; tier 2 are the words used to convey deeper meaning and understanding, the adjectives and adverbs that give weight and beauty to our language, and tier 3 being words that are specific to a certain subject/topic and not used frequently (science words, etc) We were told that tier 2 words are most often used by more highly educated and professional individuals.

    The whole point being that as teachers, we want to help our students develop the vocabulary of tier 2 words, which I've always done, but not really thought about why. With just this tiny bit of new thinking, it has made me more purposeful to increase my student's word power on a daily basis.

    Lots to think about in this post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Susan,
      What an interesting comment. I've never heard about the tiers before. I heard about conversation and how many people talk only about things and people, while some people talk about ideas and others talk philosophize. But the actual words we used being divided into tiers is new learning for me.

      You've set yourself a real challenge to teach your fifth graders tier 2 words. I can see how this new learning makes teaching more "purposeful." I'm sure any teachers who read your comment will learn from it, but, Sandi, I'm encouraging you to write a posting about this also and to tell us how you do this in the classroom. I'd be so interesting in learning that.

      Peace.

      Delete
  16. I TAGGED YOU!
    McGuffy's Reader
    http://www.mcguffysreader.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear McGuffy Ann,
      Thank you for tagging me. I appreciate the honor, but only once--the first time--have I accepted the challenges or awards other bloggers bestow on me. I post only twice a week and have so much to write about that once on a "roll" with a topic, I like to stay with it. But I do thank you.

      Peace.

      Delete
  17. Peace protest is always the best way to go.. violence begets more violence.

    Thank you for your kind comments, Dee.
    Hugs,
    Pam :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Pam,
      I agree with you: violence does beget violence. I've seen that happen.

      Peace.

      Delete
  18. I have learned that I am a very poor judge of character based on first impressions. Some of my favorite people are ones that I did not like on first impression. I don't mind swear words as long as they are not being hurled at another person in a hurtful way. It actually makes me laugh when someone you don't expect to, lets one go. But again, more like "oh ##$$#" and not when directly abusively toward another.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Melissa,
      I've grown more use to swear words now and find that mostly they are just said automatically with little meaning attached.

      I do know that people do laugh when I throw in a deliberate "hell" or "damn" into the conversation. People don't expect that from me even now, all these years after being in the convent!

      Peace.

      Delete
    2. I think that's why I get away with the occasional potty mouth moment, because I have a face that doesn't look like it would say "shoot." Mostly people LAUGH when I let one go :-) I bought your book this morning and look forward to reading it - soon I hope!!

      Delete
  19. What sets you apart from so many people I know, Dee, is that you allowed new information to get in! I think that is something we all need to contemplate more frequently--sometimes we need to update our observations and see if there is more information we can add that might change our opinions of others, or circumstances or even political viewpoints. A flexible analysis is a good thing, I think! I look forward to the next part of your story! Debra

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Debra,
      Thank you for your kind words. I do try to keep an open mind. But I have to tell you that it can close tight also and I'm constantly struggling with that. From your blog, I'd say your mind is very flexible also!

      Peace.

      Delete
  20. It often seems that the people we find hard at first to like are often the most rewarding in the end for all sorts of reasons and it is good to be open to this like you were. Same with music! Looking forward to the next instalment...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Susan,
      I'd so like to read one of your postings on music and responses to it that go along with the snap judgment I spoke of in this posting.

      Peace.

      Delete
  21. A wonderful memory, Dee. Funny, I grew up childlike with no boundaries (a counselor told me that once) and assumed everyone was basically good and there but for the grace of god and all that. After being badly hurt and deceived many times, I gradually closed myself off inside and learned to mistrust, judge, and condemn. I have been trying to unlearn it for about 30 years now. There's still a wall around that deep inner core of me, but I'm much closer to having no boundaries inside again like when I was young. I think carrying the weight of them around with you...well, it just sucks!

    I am loving your memories, Dee. You're a remarkable woman and I am so glad we connected. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Rita,
      Thank you for sharing your story of losing your childlike trust and now working to establish it again. That would make such an interesting and intriguing story for your second blog.

      I say intriguing because your main blog shows you to be such a compassionate and contented person that I think most readers would be surprised to know that at one time you "gradually closed" yourself "off inside and learned to mistrust, judge, and condemn."

      I'd be interested not only in that story but in the story of how you've changed that within yourself.

      Peace.

      Delete
  22. I can't even imagine life back then. It must have been so different.

    I LOVE this line: “When you say that, Sister Innocence, you’re really saying, ‘Damn’!" LOL! Sooo hilarious :) It reminds me of the worst word my grandpa ever said, "Balls." *still laughing*

    ReplyDelete
  23. Today I am giving myself the gift of your wisdom and the grace of your words. It has been a very long time, and is unlikely I shall catch up today, even if I don't take time to comment on each post, but already I am relaxing and enjoying the company. Thank you for sharing this bit about your friends who stood for peace. It does my heart good.

    ReplyDelete