Friday, March 17, 2023

Four Silent Months Led to Epiphany

 

Hello All, 

For a little over four months, I’ve been dwelling with a series of health problems and well a malaise that thrust me into a shadowed place within my spirit. My heart.  My mind.

During that time, my brother and sister-in-law rushed me to emergency, and I stayed overnight in the hospital—some thirty-six hours of wondering exactly what was happening or had happened or would happen.

However, out of that experience came an epiphany—one that I’m unable to share fully at this point because its ramifications are still making themselves known in my life.

I’m posting today to let you know why, since mid-November, I’ve been away from reading your blogs and posting on my own . Several months ago, I began a downward spiral on the slippery slope of self-doubt. I wasn’t clinically depressed. (I learned and experienced what that is when I was in my thirties.) 

However, I did begin to feel “low.” To be “down in the dumps.” To cease to “live in the moment,” “to go with the flow,” “to look for the good” in all that was happening.

Throughout my life, when my body has experienced ill-health. Or my spirit has deflated like a carnival balloon. Or my mind has lost itself in the brambles of my thoughts. Or my heart has ceased to follow my bliss—as Joseph Campbell encouraged us all to do. Always during those times of drought, I’ve let go of reaching out to friends and taking care of myself.

Translation: I let myself dwell in my own shadows rather than  reach out to discover what was happening with my friends. That is, in my self-absorption, I forgot that friendship can open doors for us. I forgot what I know so well—that to be open to the lives and concerns, the health and pain, the triumphs and joy of others could lead me out of my alienation from myself. It could lead me from the desert in which I wandered to the lush green of wonder and gratitude.

Also, during those four months, I had no interest in food or eating and so lost a number of pounds. I always wear loose-fitting clothing and a lot of it! In the winter, I layer: turtleneck, sweatshirt, down-filled vest or hoodie. Lots of loose clothing that effectively covers both weight gain and weight loss.

I tell you all this because the epiphany of just a few days ago is leading me to the green pastures that awaited me if only I’d let myself trust the words of Julian of Norwich, “All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be exceedingly well,” and those of Teresa of Avila, “Fear not.”

The darkest part of my malaise was the belief that I would never write another book—whether memoir, cat tales, or novel. I began to grieve for this gift that had been given me as a child—this gift of imagination and connection.

Months ago, I began to grapple with this fear. It grew like a ganglion. Its tenacles squeezed my most cherished beliefs about myself. 

I tell you now that in the epiphany given to me by the Holy Oneness of All Creation—all those who raised me, taught me, and befriended me—came a new belief. A belief that if my writing is for the good of the Universe, the words and story will be freely given to me. 

 Amen and so be it and so it is.

Peace

 

PS: I haven’t figured out how to respond to any comments you leave. Moreover,  I can’t figure out how to leave comments on some of your blogs. Please just know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers and beliefs that all—somehow—works out to good.

19 comments:

  1. You don't have to respond to my comment, just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I again thank you for the wonderful gift of the Advent calendar you gave me. It made for many happy moments, I am sorry to hear of your recent difficulties, but I believe it is part of the life cycle to have times when we are down. I too struggle sometimes, but as you remind me, all works out to good in the end. Blessings and love sent your way from my heart to yours. :-)

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  2. Thinking of you, Dee. xxx Bea

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  3. I believe that too... it will be alright in the end - and if it isn't alright, then it isn't the end. Peace be to you, Dee.

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  4. I, too, isolate when I am down. Then, when I reach out for the compassion and wisdom of others, I feel better. And not alone. So glad to hear from you!

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  5. So happy to hear from you. All will be well.

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  6. Thank you for letting us know the outlines of what has been keeping you silent, and I am glad you are feeling healing in your spirit. May God bless and heal you.

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  7. Thinking of you, Dee. Good to see you. 😊

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  8. this is really nice feeling to hear from you dear Dee !
    i came by sometimes as if i missed something . i had faith that you will be back after resolving all the issues you probably have been facing regarding writing or (God forbid ) health wise.
    thank you so much for letting us know you are there ,just stuck in "phase" that we all encounter time to time in our lives .
    i request if you think that in the universe so huge we are tiny particle existing in chain of "oneness" and keeping connection alive help us to survive .
    sorry that you lost weight because of not eating properly . that scares me . i wish i was in your neighborhood and would insist to not do so my fiend !
    all will be well if you will remind yourself the one you actually are strong fighter who never gives up and nor loose hope .live in moment because only this moment in hand is Real all rest is illusion .
    no one is going to stay here forever ,the moment we got is gift and precious .existing harmlessly in the harmony of co existents is huge achievement .nothing else matter at the end
    thinking of you with heart full of prays and best wishes!
    hugs

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  9. I hope that you feel much better now. I am also having problems writing comments on some blogs, they come under anonymous. If so, I write another one and tell my name. Rest as much as you can but do go outdoors because with spring nature is looking good again and it helps with our well being.

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  10. Thank you for your honesty regarding your malaise. I can identify with your mourning the possibility that you probably won't be able to write another book. Some life-long dreams are hard to let go of, aren't they. I'm looking for other outlet for my creativity. Instead of books, I'm trying to write poems now and greeting cards.

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  11. I've not read your blog before, I found you through a comment you did on Ray's (troutbirder) last post. I think Ray appreciated it, even if he doesn't reply.
    I wish you well.
    Mike

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  12. Thank you for sharing and I hope you continue on the path to wellness. Wishing you peace.

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  13. Peace to you, Dee. I've not been blogging myself much this year but I looked to see your posts and read this last post. I am sending you positive energy. x

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  14. Hi Dee, I left a comment here in March and came back to check on you, I hope you are healing and well and feeling God's love for you and being with friends.

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  15. Thank you for sharing and I hope you continue on the path to wellness. Wishing you peace.

    ភ្នាល់បាល់​ អនឡាញ

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  16. Dee, I was very happy to read your comment on my blog today, which let me know that you are reaching out in blogland again which I understand to mean you are healing. Take care.

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