Sunday, April 23, 2017

A Need to Control


The past few years of my life can be summed up with an old Yiddish expression: “Man plans. God laughs.” For the past thirty-five years, I think God has been guffawing at my detailed plans for writing and getting published.

I’d like to explore that with you in this post and several that will follow. This is a big issue in my life—one that I’m grappling with since I had serious major back surgery in March. Health issues have accompanied me for many years, and I’m wondering if they are an indicator of what’s amiss with my life.

Let’s begin with a confession: I’ve always been a planner. That is to say, I’ve always tried to control the events of my life. I make schedules, routines, regimes—all those things that indicate doing this before that and getting this done today and that tomorrow.

All my long life, I have been a person who gave herself deadlines. By such and such a time, a day, a month, a year I will have accomplished this or that—mostly with regard to writing. That was necessary when I worked as an editor and had projects with deadlines that had to be met for publication purposes. But those deadlines are no more.

Now there are self-imposed deadlines that encompass my whole day: Walking. (How far? How often? Which route?) Doing core exercises. (Three or five times a week? All or just a few of the twelve the doctor gave me? Morning or afternoon?) Polishing a convent memoir I want to self-publish. (A chapter a day? Add more incidents? Explain more? Learn to use social media? Read books about marketing? And by when do I need to know everything? What kind of research regime do I need to establish?)

When I took the Myers-Briggs Inventory way back in the 1980s, my chart showed I was strongly intuitive, that details flummoxed me. But as the years have passed, I seem to rely much more on details. Details piled on details. I’ve lost—or misplaced—my trusty intuition.

No one, except myself, is standing over me wearing a hardhat, wielding a clipboard, and checking off the detailed items I accomplish each day. I have become my own taskmaster. And my thoughts don’t leap—intuitive-wise—to the next step: I need to have it writing done, planned.

With regard to writing I am struggling with throwing in the proverbial towel. I’ve been boxing my own shadows for the last thirty-five years.

I have planned and planned for how to get published and yet little has happened. My trying to control the outcome of my writing—and there has been only one acceptable outcome—being published—has resulted only in frustration.

Something is amiss. If I am meant to be published, then why—if I do the work—doesn’t that happen?

All my plans have led to disappointment. And it’s really sad that I’m unable to appreciate just being able to write.

So what is the answer?

I think it’s letting go. Going with the flow. Surrendering.

Next week I’ll share with you where I am with that.

Note that I’m “planning” to post again next Sunday. You see, I just can’t stop planning and scheduling. I’m steeped in a lifetime of control.

I wish you peace, pressed down and overflowing. I wish the same for myself.


34 comments:

  1. What a delight to see a post from you, by you, wonderful writer you. I'm a planner too, but I have worked a great deal on letting go throughout my life, so now I write a list in the morning of the things I want to accomplish that day. I go no further and a lot of stuff never gets done, or has not yet. I too love to write, but it has never occurred to me to try to get published, other than some magazine articles and techinical writings for UCLA and other places. Initially, this may have had to do with a lack of self-confidence, so I'm glad you have conficence in your abilities. Now, this late in life, it is not important. The last thing I "published" was in the Donkey Rescue Newsletter about 10 years ago. It was good and I was proud of it, but it was a Donkey Newsletter!!! I hope you will find your answers, you have struggled with this for as long as I have known you. So glad to have you back! Sending love.....

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    1. Dear Inger, I just loved seeing a comment from you. I know from your blog and are e-mailing that you have, indeed, had to let go of a lot in life. As you say, I've "struggled" with this for a long time. Now I hope to let go of that struggle and simply "be." I think you have truly done that since Errol's death. Peace.

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  2. Heartfelt hugs and oceans of caring. It is lovely to see you back in the blogosphere.
    I too am a planner. I cross my bridges before I am sure there is a river. And use my to-do lists to beat myself up.
    Going with the flow (at least a bit) would probably be good for both of us.

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    1. Dear Sue, I love your phrase "cross the bridge before you know there's a river"!!!!! That's so what I do. Let's go with the flow together! Instead of crossing the bridge, let's float down the river of life. Peace.

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  3. Welcome back, Dee. I just looked to see when your last post was, and it was more than a year ago, so yes, welcome back. Whatever comes next, you will be present in my virtual life again, and that makes me happy. :-)

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    1. Dear DJan, I was so happy to read your posting yesterday. And I got out my Classical Greek DVDs and I'm starting again--thanks to you. But I won't insist that I study every day, I'll really just try to let go and study when the mood comes upon me. That will really be something new for me! Peace.

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  4. Dee, so good to see you back here again. Like you, I am a planner and a doer. I do believe there is great value in surrendering and letting go--hard as that is at times. I look forward to reading more about what you're doing.

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    1. Dear Linda, and I so look forward to reading more about what you're doing. Your posting was heart-rending.

      Letting go is hard. I've worked at it for years. But the latest physical development is really stopping me in my tracks so perhaps it will be what teaches me to go with the flow. Peace.

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  5. Dee, each time you post a blog you are publishing. I think "getting published" is a kind of validation or at least that's what it was for me. If that's true, I will tell you that I've always enjoyed your writing. If you decided to self publish some of your work, I would buy a copy.
    There are so many things on my list of things to do, but I no longer beat myself up if I don't meet an arbitrary deadline that I impose on myself. I intend to do the important things and I do what time and circumstances permit. I let the rough end drag.
    I'm probably not the model for productivity or life stories but at this point in my life, that's how I roll.
    Rick

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    1. Dear Rick, and the way you roll is the hope I have. I so want to stop being a taskmaster. I want to be gracious to myself. That's the hope. Now I need to think of life as a river, with me floating down in and having adventures I never dreamed or planned! Peace.

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  6. Welcome back. Planning was a must when I was younger. Now each day finds its own rhythm and it usually feels good though stresses do come alongnow and then. That's life.
    You have published. I have copies. As for memoires I think many ideas appeared in blogposts and we had a chance to glimpse into your experiences.

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    1. Dear Heidrun, thank you for the reminder that I have published and that the blog is a way of publishing. I need to remember that and to open my heart and my dreams to possibilities. Thank you for your concern about my health in the last couple of years. I hope you are doing well. Peace.

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  7. Welcome back to Blogger; let this be your home away from home. I own a copy of your every book, & I'm looking forward to new ones. You write so beautifully. Please don't stop. I (& many others) love you!!

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    1. Dear Fran, I hope to publish the 25th anniversary issue of "A Cat's Life" this year. I will, perhaps, put both of Dulcy's book into one volume. I need to talk with Elisa about that.

      Thank you so much always for your belief in me. Peace.

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  8. How nice to see you back! I'm sorry to hear you have had so many disappointments recently, and on top of that back surgery. That's tough.
    A couple thoughts. Have you considered the purpose of your writing and the fact that perhaps you have reached the best audience, those in need of your message, through other avenues than a bound book? Say, your blog for instance? I believe that once you've put your intention out there, when you've diligently done your part, the outcome is not in our hands and we only limit God by hanging on to our little plan.
    I love the photo with all your cats surrounding you with furry, purry love!

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    1. Dear Cynthia, we do limit God--Oneness--when we plan all the details of how a desire/dream will be fulfilled. I know that and yet I forget. I fall back into my old habits. I so hope I can learn to relax with life. Thank you for your comment and suggestions. Peace.

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  9. Dearest Dee, As others have pointed out, you have been published in your blog. Many of your stories are out there and have been read by a great deal of people. What is shared electronically will last longer than what is between the covers of a book. You have touched people all over the world with your remembrances and your courage has inspired us.

    A person who plans is an optimist so never change that. Do what gives you joy but try to rid yourself of deadlines. Stress that we put on ourselves is not compatible with good health.

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    1. Dear Arleen, so good to hear from you. I hope you know how much I've appreciated your support in the past two-three years. I hope that I will be able to continue blogging, but I know that I must go with the flow with that too. I do understand what you mean by stress we put on ourselves. And you are so right. Peace.

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  10. You have been publishing your blog posts. It's not a book you can hold in hand but it is still writing that you are sending out to the world. :)

    I like to plan and am a little OCD probably because those are the little bit of control I have in my life--LOL! Life can change on a dime, take the wind out of your sails, tear your heart out, knock you to your knees, or leave you flat on your back at any given moment. It's also filled with moments of wonder, love, kindness, sharing, and miracles. I think we have to always be ready to change course...either by choice or circumstance, life happens.

    I was used to having more control and being able to handle anything life threw at me all by myself. When my body took me off the path I had planned for myself...it took me a couple of years to finally let go of control and to learn to accept help. I do believe everything happens for a reason...even if we are no always privy to said reason--LOL! There seems to be soul lessons available through all of it--the tragedy, ecstasy, frustration, laughter, pain, fear, joy--all of it. I think it's not so much what happens to you in your life but how you live through it.

    Have missed you! I bet the kitties were so glad to see you back home! I have total faith that you will figure it out. There's an answer that is yours alone. :) Love and hugs from Fargo.

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  11. Dear Rita, this comment of yours means so much to me because I do know that your life took a turn and that you needed time to adjust. The art that became part of that adjustment was a gift. I so hope that happens for me. Like you, I know there are soul lessons awaiting me. I hope I am open enough to accept and embrace them as you have.

    And yes the cats were so happy to have me home after the operation, hospital stay, and rehab. And slowly I'm re-entering life and recognizing that change is necessary. Thank you for your faith in me. Peace.

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  12. Welcome back Dee. You have been missed. Oh how I wish I had some of your discipline and was goal oriented like you. I once thought I would become a published author but then I discovered blogging and it has satisfied all my drives. I get to publish (sort of) once a week and get instant feed back. It fits all my needs plus I am way too lazy to actually write a novel.
    You are a published author all ready but I can see where you would want to have your facilitating story told in a memoir. You have had such an interesting life. That is one reason I blog. I get to tell the stories that few really know.
    I was so sorry to hear about your health problems and hope you are fit once more. Love the shot of you surrounded by those beautiful cats.
    Looking forward to your next entry.

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  13. Dear Arkansas Patti, like you, other bloggers have commented that writing a blog can be, perhaps, as satisfying as being published in book- or e-form. I know that's true.

    That is, my brain knows it. My heart isn't there yet. But maybe that's what's stirring in my depths--the realization that there's more than one way to be published.

    It's so good to hear from you and thanks for the comment about the cats and me. Noah, Laz, and Eliza Doolittle and I lived together in Stillwater, Minnesota. They crossed the rainbow bridge back in 2006, 2007, and 2009. Matthew, Maggie, and Ellie now bless my life and give it zest. Peace.

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  14. It is so delightful to see your name and read your words!!

    Our lives have also changed in a good way, but too much detail to write here. Just say that we have moved to be near our daughter and family, in a retirement community.

    Let things go, Dee. You cannot control anything. God does that.

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    1. Dear Susan, a move is always filled with a plethora of emotions and good-byes. I hope yours went smoothly and that you are enjoying the new community of which you are a part. It must be wonderful to be closer to your grandchildren.

      I know I need to let go. It's the learning how I'm struggling with. Peace.

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  15. Welcome back to writing, Dee. Thank you for your kind words on my latest post. It seems we are both struggling with some of the same things, and it's nice to know I'm not alone. I will send you some love and light as you work through your challenges and try to remember how to find that flow that lifts you and carries you where you need to be.

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    1. Dear Kario, yes, I, too, think we are struggling with some of the same things. I think I've stopped listened to the inner voice within--my intuition--that served me so well for so many years--until I got entangled in details. Let's send each other love and light. Peace.

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  16. Hi Dee, It's good to hear from you... Sorry about your struggling and your health problems... Life isn't easy for sure.... I struggled in my first marriage, but stepped out of my box and started my 'real' life (when I was 59 years old)... It was scary since I left family and went to a new area where I knew no one... BUT--I truly felt God calling me there. It didn't take long to realize that all of this was God leading me to George.. Thanks be to God for my 'new' life....

    BUT---like you, I still had my own demons inside of me, namely my desire to do things 'my' way paying attention to details and expecting too much of myself... I 'used' to be able to balance lots of balls and prided myself in getting things done ---LOTS of things.... As I get older, I cannot do what I used to do --but get frustrated when I cannot finish getting through my LONG LISTS....

    I am learning (as hopefully you will) that life changes.. WE change... We need to find new JOYS to fulfill us and bring us happiness... It's time to put away the OLD ---and find the NEW...

    Me???? I need to be happy with myself and relax more and just enjoy life. I need to realize that, as I 'age', I will have more aches and pains. I will not have the energy I used to have. I can't remember things like I used to... It's OKAY.... I'm me --and have a fantastic life with a wonderful man... Life truly is good even though I no longer can accomplish things like I used to...

    Hope some of this will help you... Good Luck and God Bless You.
    Love,
    Betsy

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    1. Dear Betsy, thank you so much for sharing this story of your own search for the meaning of your life. I appreciate your honesty and your hope that I, too, will find my way---a way that is not a plan I devise, but the flow of the river of life. Peace.

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  17. So nice to see a post! It sounds like you are really working to improve your back situation and I hope it is helping. There is planning and there is flowing. Sometimes it is good to lift up your oars and let the boat drift for awhile. Thanks for visiting my journal, and yes....I have always had dogs. Little Wonder (you have not seen until now) is just a pup and Phoebe is a teenager.

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    1. Dear Lori, I so love your image of lifting up my oars and letting the boat drift awhile. Thank you. My friends and family are encouraging me to listen to my body and to rest so as to recuperate. The doctor has said it will take about six months. It's been almost 7 weeks and I'm not a patient person when it comes to my own life. But I will keep that image of me in a boat with lifted oars. I'll just float down the stream, enjoying the willows and the ducks! Thank you. Peace.

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  18. Your honesty is an encouragement to me, Dee. It's hard to release our dreams and even if we say we believe in a benevolent universe, it takes great faith to open to the idea that maybe we can't work our way to accomplishment. I hope you will keep posting and perhaps sharing your soul searching will help you in your own journey, and I'm sure we will learn from you, also. It is so good to find you here!

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    1. Dear Debra, it's hard to let go of the outcomes I envision. And also to be patient with myself as my body and mind and soul heal. The doctor has said that back operations leave a person imbalanced in many ways for several months. So I need to simply let go and rest and be at peace. I need to go to that deep center of myself where Oneness dwells. But I forget to do that. And so with that, too, I need to be patient. Thank you for your concerned words. Peace.

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  19. Hi, Dee! It's so great to see you posting again and to hear and share your thoughts about your plans and frustrations. I so understand! You've had traditional publishing success in the past and, like me, you want more of it -- and have worked hard toward that end. But the desired outcome is elusive. Publishing has changed so profoundly in the last 20-25 years. For those of us who had our first successes in a kinder time, it's a rude shock. Although I'm still publishing traditionally, I'm finding that the advances are a mere fraction of what they used to be and the expectations and demands far greater. And you can work incredibly hard, get published and then Amazon screws up your listing and the sales figures are low and the the advance is even lower. In the meantime, self-publishing is really coming into its own. You're envisioning a self-published memoir at the perfect time! I think you're so wise to take a deep breath and let go of old expectations while keeping your heart and mind open to the new possibilities. However and whenever you publish, Dee, be it on your blog, a self-published or a traditionally published book, you have an audience of readers who think you're the best!

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    1. Dear Kathy, I so appreciate your sharing your own concerns about publishing today. I've pretty well got my mind around self-publishing, but I can't seem to convince myself any longer to put in the time all this needs. I guess I really need to listen to my body, which is saying, "Rest, Nap, Sleep." And that's pretty much my day.

      I'm wishing you such success with your own publishing. And may we both be surprised by what the Universe offers us. Peace.

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