Thursday, September 18, 2014

Circles. Centers. Circumferences.




Last week, I mentioned that Dr. C—the Dayton psychiatrist—had said four startling things. One was that I was the angriest client he’d ever had. In today’s post I’ll share the other three.
Number 1
At one point, I was describing my feelings about two friends. He said, “Dee, I’m no judge of spiritual maturity. What I do know is that you’re physically and intellectually mature. But emotionally you stopped growing at about thirteen.”
I was thirty-one at the time.
I asked how he could tell and he explained that the jealousy I expressed about my friends welcoming others into their circle sounded like a young teenager. I felt threatened when they befriended anyone else, as if they didn’t have enough love to expend beyond me. Also of course was my great fear of being abandoned.
Two years later, when I left Dayton, Dr. C kindly said, “Dee, you’re twenty-one now.” As he looked at me, his lips twitching with suppressed laughter, I grinned like the teenager he’d once thought me and felt a warm surge of gratitude to the man who’d helped me amass eight whole years of emotional maturity.
Number 2
A second thing he said also had to do with emotional maturity.  “Clearly I’m not enough for my friends,” I said. “They keep meeting new people. What if they like them better than me?”
He placed two sheets of paper on his desk and drew a set of circles on one—circles surrounded by other circles with their circumferences touching or overlapping a little. Each had a center point.
“These,” he said, “are healthy relationships. We are all the center of our own existence. But our lives touch other lives and sometimes we share a great deal. That’s the overlapping.”
I nodded.
Then he drew a second set of circles, much like the first. But the circumference of one circle overlapped many others and passed through several center points.
“Now here,” he said, “is how you want to relate. You want to be the center of other people’s existence. You feel secure only when you think that you are at the center of their being. You want them to be thinking of you all the time. Making decisions with you in mind. That’s emotionally immature. It’s why you have to perform when you’re in a group of people. To feel secure, you need to be the center of attention.”
Even though I acknowledged the truth of this insight, it saddened me. I took home the two sheets of paper on which he’d produced the visuals and pinned them on a corkboard. Daily, they reminded me of an emotional pattern I wanted to change.
Number 3
One final comment refashioned my idea of what to do with my life. One afternoon, I announced buoyantly, “I’m going to join the Peace Corps!”
“Why?”

Why? Wasn’t it evident? I quickly listed the reasons: I’d had a good life—a home, food, education, love. I’d been a teacher. I could go to another country and teach. I could share with others the gifts I’d been given.
He sat silent for a few moments. Then, “Dee, you just gave nearly ten years of your life to service. You practiced poverty. You taught. You gave to others.”
“That was then; this is now.”
“Look, Dee, you’ve gone through your twenties without having the normal things young people have. You haven’t bought a house. You don't have a car. No savings. The truth is you're about ten years behind other women your age. You need to stay right here in the States and catch up.”
“But people in other countries need help. I’ve been given so much. I want to share it.”
“Why don’t you give some other people a chance to share for once? Why do you need to do it all?”
I didn’t join the Peace Corps, but I did begin to understand that my need to be loved revealed itself in many subtle ways.
You know, I just remembered another gem of wisdom Dr. C shared with me. Next week, I’ll write about it.


48 comments:

  1. Wise words indeed. Don't always have to be the one to help. Glad you weren't forever stuck at 13 lol

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    1. Dear Pat, I had to truly learn to let others help when I had Meniere's. I'd always thought that I was meant to help others but that I wasn't to ask for help. A friend asked, "Do you think you're better than your friends? That you are more generous?" Of course I was startled and she helped me see that if I asked my friends would help me get through the terror of Meniere's. Like Dr. C. she said, "Give others a chance to be givers and try being a reciver for a while." I've never forgotten her words either. Peace.

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  2. What a lovely man he was. And how brave of you to listen to him and take on board the sometimes unpleasant truths he gave you to consider.
    Thirteen you may have been - but a very courageous thirteen.

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    1. Dear Sue, thank you for your kind words about that thirteen-year-old who was in her early thirties. I've never thought of myself as courageous. I just know I was desperate. I felt as if I were sinking into a whirlpool and I might not escape. In later postings I'll share just how desperate I became. Peace.

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  3. Fascinating post. My first therapist many years ago told me that I was an angry person. I remember being amazed at that insight. I was so nice and I rarely got angry. Of course, that's where we began the work ahead. It's an ongoing process and one I am grateful for.

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    1. Dear Carol, yes, it's with that initial denial that both you and I felt--we who were always so soft-spoken!!!!--that the truth reveals itself. We were angry. And I'm so glad that I can now recognize that when I'm feeling it. Peace.

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  4. Some stiff realities to come up against. Discovering a new way to relate to old friends must have been an interesting process.

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    1. Dear Joanne, learning a new way to relate took years. In fact, I was still learning in 1992--some twenty-four years later--when I ended a friendship that was dysfunctional for two friends and me. And all those years I felt jealousy and made friends miserable with my silent treatments. I had so much growing up to do and it took me decades. Peace.

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  5. How wonderful for you that you found Dr. D!!

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    1. Dear Fishducky, yes, I was so fortunate and I've always felt a great sense of gratitude toward him. Peace.

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  6. No one has ever said I'm angry. Whiny--yes. Angry--no. I tun into a whiny little kid when I'm abandoned.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Dear Janie, and is there any anger behind the whine? Or is there pain and fear and disappointment and . . . terror? Peace.

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    2. Dear Janie, I understand terror and I thank you for being so open and honest about it. Peace.

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  7. Oh my, he had discovered the real Dee (and many other women of the day). Giving of ourselves was our duty, giving to ourselves was selfish.

    Looking forward to your next post.

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    1. Dear Arleen, yes indeedy! What you've said is so true. It's like all our parts are glued with giving. Peace.

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  8. I'm wondering what your life would have been like without Dr C.

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    1. Dear Annie, you know I've never considered this before. And now that you've said it, I'm realizing that my life probably would have been miserable for years to come and maybe even unto now. Peace.

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  9. You were lucky to find such an intuitive doctor, Dee, and a professional too. I also admire you for being so open and telling us what the doctor thought your problems were. I don’t think many persons would be that candid.

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    1. Dear Vagabonde, I so value being honest about my feelings because for so many years I wasn't honest. I faked being happy and peaceful and that no one any good. In his wisdom, Dr. C challenged me to grow up. And I was fortunate that I made good friends who stuck by me as I stumbled and floundered through life for many years. Peace.

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  10. I like that image of you being told you are now twenty-one when you were ready to leave the relationship with Dr. C. It's wonderful that the two of you were able t work together for so long and make such progress. Thank you for continuing your honesty by writing all this with such clarity and humility. :-)

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    1. Dear DJan, thank you for continuing to read what is feeling to me like a saga! Peace.

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  11. What a wonderful doctor, he got it so right. I am sorry I haven't been around emails lately, so much has been going on. Take care, my dear friend.

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    1. Dear Inger, he was wonderful and he really listened as I spoke and saw the patterns of my life. Then he helped me recognize them. Please take care. Peace.

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  12. With each post I am am more and more impressed with this man. Thankfully you did cross paths and you don't have to wonder what you would have been with out his help. But as brilliant and insightful as he was, you did all the real work. He just showed you a way. One you didn't have to take.but you did . You have to feel good and yes a bit proud about that.

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    1. Dear Arkansas Patti, going to counseling truly is work if one wants to change and find contentment with and in her/his life. You know if I hadn't done the work, I think I would have fallen into such depression that I'm not sure I would be alive today. Peace.

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  13. You are very brave to write and relive this again. I've known of this stunting of emotional growth in teen age drug users and alcoholics too because they miss out or are totally unaware of the emotional growth process. This must have been such a struggle for you.

    You asked about a website for the exercise program and she just recently got one. I see her once a week, but I didn't know because she has a new studio too.... in Ca. Her name is Juawayne and the website is BLISSWorkOut by Juawayne.....or something like that. I asked her today when I had my Skype lesson and she said just google that and it will come up. I never looked for a website because my friend Marilyn gave me all the info.

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    1. Dear Manzanita, thanks for the info on the exercise program and the woman who leads it. I'll go on line and see what I find.

      Yes, it was a struggle, but sometimes I think that anything worth while demands sacrifice and struggle. Peace.

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  14. Ah, your story opens slowly and pointedly, Dee, with this latest installment. Dr. C was a good therapist, and a good friend to you, slowly bringing the veil off and revealing the true Dee, helping you become the person you are today.
    It is, it seems, human nature to sometimes be stuck, or revert, to a part of our younger selves and such a lesson to learn, the lesson of letting others help us. I know - I'm one of 'em.

    I look forward to what you writing for this post has now revealed to you. One of the many blessings of belongings.

    Sorry for the long delay at commenting. It's been a busy week and the weekend will be as well. Good busy, but, busy none-the-less. Enjoy your weekend, Dee.

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    1. Dear Penny, it's so true that as I continue to write this on-line memoir, I learn new things--not only about myself but about my mom and dad. It all seems like gift to me and I'm grateful that do discover the meaning of these years. I do feel so fortunate in my parents and my life and in Dr. C who helped me so greatly. Peace.

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  15. I sensed in your earlier writing that there was a lot of stuff in your youth that you bottled up and were angry about. It seemed you found it very tough as a child with health issues and family crisis related to your angry Dad and how your Mom was also treated badly. You were not equipped and the PTS got hard to handle You experience when faced with sexual harassment also went untreated.
    Later you turned to the convent for a way of life and I suspect there too life was not what you had dreamed it could be. Comfort from a deity that is far removed may not have brought you the love and affection you were starving for. what you needed was people to hug and love you but instead you were sent on missions of submission and suppression.
    Later as a teacher with no experience you tried to get the most unruly teens to behave in school and town setting but they too were too violent.
    Your life experiences were full of troubled people and you had no really close bonds along the way. No wonder the anger was deep in you.
    It's a good thing that your doc was able to help you see your real self so you could move ahead. The best part was that you found a way to trust him and allowed his counselling. That was a huge step forward in itself.
    It also makes me see how Dulcy became a very important friend for you and how you were able to bounce your feelings around with her though she did things her way you accepted that. She showed to you what you had to learn and that is to be loved unconditionally. How you tried hard to keep her going when she was in poor health was precious on many levels. You were able to give love back and you didn't want to loose hat bond.
    Your book about you life with her is an interesting work. At times you treated her the way you were treated but slowly it changed.
    Isn't it interesting how we all have our paths to travel and now can share our struggles?
    Till our next meeting here keep well my friend.

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    1. DEar Heidrun, I'm amazed that you've remembered all these things I've posted on this blog in the past three years. Thank you for so faithfully reading everything, Dulcy was truly my family for many years. She will always be near and dear to me. Thank you for recognizing that. Peace.

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  16. He was filled with insight and helpful ways to enable you to see yourself in a different light. It's always hard to see ourselves in what we perceive as negative perspectives. The ego comes out in some peculiar, disguised ways. It can be such a shock...but so very enlightening and uplifting in the long run if we remember and learn from those sudden ugly views--LOL! So many people are not open enough to admit to their own ugliness or dark sides. Even if we'd like to deny the knowledge, I think you are another one who HAS to look...who cannot forget...who wants to improve and learn. Just wanted to hug you!!! :):)

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    1. Dear Rita, thank you for your kind and generous words. All my life I have seemed to need to explore and to examine my experiences and my responses to them. A friend has advised me often not to think so much, but I need to do so--not analyze a lot just recognize and acknowledge. Peace.

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  17. Hi Dee, thank you so much for sharing your life stories with us. Your an extraordinary woman of courage, Dee.

    On a personal note, you have given me a new insight into Meniere's
    Hugs :)

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    1. Dear Pam, I'm pleased that my Meniere's postings have helped you in some way. It seems to me that's what blogging is all about. Our reaching out with our stories--our lives--and touching others and being touched. Peace.

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  18. Wonderful stories. I do like Dr. C!

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    1. Dear LadyFi, he was wonderfully helpful and such a listener! Peace.

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  19. We know Dr. C is a smart man to be a psychiatrist. I believe he was also a very wise and intuitive man. Good meeting you at Shelly's blog.

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    1. Dear Carol, thanks for stopping by. I clicked on your name and went to you Google Plus page, but I'm not sure whether you have a blog that I can follow. Peace.

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    2. Dear Carol, oophs, I just realized that you are the author who wrote a review of your latest book on Shelly's blog yesterday. I have the title written on a piece of paper here on my desk and I mean to get hold of the book. I wish such success. Peace.

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    3. I do have a blog, Dee. The link is: http://www.underthetikihut.blogspot.com

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  20. A lot of very harmless things make me angry - mascots, bulb flowers, yellow cars... a therapist once mentioned how full of rage I was, and wondered if I channeled that rage into things like bulb flowers, so as not to aim the rage at my loved ones. I guess my subconscious can be awfully clever.

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  21. Dear Brigid, it's that challenging that essential. I remember once when I was so angry at my boss and I kept grousing about him--somewhat bitterly--to a spiritual director. She had me go to the exercise room in the building and hit a punching bag for 5 minutes! So satisfying!!! Peace.

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  22. Dear Dee, the strongest impression I have of you is of a llfelong loneliness, a search for acceptance. You seem to have been focusing entirely outward, believing that only if you do things for others, these others will see you, love you, allow you into their circle.

    I have a friend like that right now. I am so tired of her and ready to drop her altogether. I can’t stand the neediness, the way she prostrates herself for everyone to walk over her. It’s probably most unkind of me, but I just cannot respect her.

    I am so glad that you had help to get you out of the vicious circle of dependency on others. Your parents and the convent had a lot to do with it.

    Take care, look after yourself and stand proud for who you are not for what you can do for others.

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    1. Dear Friko, your assessment seems accurate to me. It took more events and people than just seeing Dr. C. in Dayton for me to arrive at the person I am today who is content with herself and pretty well lets "the chips fall where they will." During those years of neediness, I was so hard on my friends, asking so much. And I'm sure that they found this hard. But there was just enough independence in me that we continued our friendships.

      I have always had a deep sense of justice and when I see something unfair or injust, I have always put aside my own need for acceptance and spoken up no matter what anyone thought. And so my journey has been one filled with a great dependence as well as a streak of stubborn independence. Future postings may show that. Peace.

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  23. I hope you'll share with us at some point if you were given answers as to what it was that held you back in emotional maturity and contributed to your difficulty with trusting friendships. I think you had such a combination of unusual circumstances in your childhood that would have "de-railed" almost anyone, but I'm interested in whether or not the roots of your troubles were ever discussed. You have learned so much in your life, Dee. Amazing!

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  24. Trying finally to catch up, Dee, I'm amazed yet again at how fortunate you were to meet a psychiatrist as wise and understanding as Doctor C. Yes, his remarks and insights must have been hard to digest and deal with, but his analysis of your situation and problems was a true gift when you most needed it. Growing up is hard, at whatever age we finally manage to do it.

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