Thursday, September 11, 2014

Angry? Me?



The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things
by Hieronymus Bosch
with anger at bottom of circle.
(From Wikipedia)

Last week, I shared with you what an exceptional listener the second Dayton psychiatrist was. I also wrote about my feelings toward my mother. I plan on writing more about that, but for today, let’s stay with Dr. C. I remember four things he said that startled me and yet continue to help me. Here’s number one.
         Sometime in the fall of 1967, after I’d talked about how  I’d responded with a silent treatment when someone criticized me, Dr. C said, “Dee, you’re the angriest woman I’ve ever had as a client.”
Angry? Me? I never shouted. I never even raised my voice. I never told anyone what I felt when something had been said that hurt my feelings. And I'd been very rational, very reasonable when talking about my mom and dad. Surely these were traits of a peace-loving person. Maybe a saint.
I mention saint because upon entering the convent, I set out to become one. Throughout life, I’d sought love so no one would ever again desert me. If others saw me as a saint, they’d surely love me. Who could resist loving a saint? Who’d abandon a saint?
I protested. “I’m not angry. I don’t yell.”
“You are angry. You’ve suppressed it for years.”
“Suppressed it?”
“Pushed it down inside yourself. When we suppress anger, we dam it up.”
“You think I’ve done that?”
“Yes.”
“What do I do that’s so angry? I don’t hit people or say unkind things.”
“It’s more passive than that, Dee. You walk away from confrontation. You avoid people who’ve displeased you or criticized you. You hold it in, afraid of losing others’ respect and love. It’s passive, but it’s still anger.”
“No one's ever said I was angry.”
“You’re a great suppressor, Dee. You’ve dammed your anger all your life. But ultimately, it’s going to swamp you if you don’t learn to channel it.”
“Anger’s one of the seven deadly sins.”
“Yes,” he agreed, “anger can be deadly. But it’s all in the way we express and use our anger.”
“I don't get it.”
“Think about it. There’s a righteous anger about injustice. But even that needs to be channeled.”
“I don’t understand this ‘channeling.’ I’ve been taught that feeling and expressing anger is wrong.”
“Emotions aren’t right or wrong, Dee. They just are. We get into right and wrong when we talk about the way we express them. Whether we do it hurtfully. And when we suppress as you have, we end up hurting ourselves pretty deeply. I see before me a time bomb.”
“You’re saying I’m so angry I could explode?”
“Yes. One day you won’t be able to suppress the anger any longer. You’ll either explode at someone or your health will suffer. You need to deal with this.”
“What do I do?”
“It’s what we can do.” I must have looked confused, for he continued. “Together we’ll find ways for you to channel your anger. To express it in a way that won’t hurt someone else or yourself.”
So we began. I came to understand that feeling anger wasn’t wrong and wasn’t hurtful. That expressing it in an unhealthy way by word or deed was.
He helped me realize that letting people know what I was feeling was a more honest way to live.
It took years for me to learn how to channel anger and how to be honest with others when something they said or did hurt my feelings or seemed out of line or invaded my boundaries.
Years.
And the truth is that my journey toward embracing peace within and without continues. Peace.


2009
Visiting with a friend with whom I've always tried to be honest. 
Two years before beginning this blog. 

44 comments:

  1. I am so very glad that you found Doctor C. And were courageous enough to accept his teaching. And build on it, in your life long journey.
    And yes, I am also a suppressor. Far too often.

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    1. Dear Sue, I've gotten so much better at recognizing when I'm angry. It used to be a day would pass before I'd realize that what had happened the day before made me angry. Another psychiatrist--this one in Minnesota, eight years after the event of today's posting--helped me get the time up to a few minutes between something happening or being said and my recognizing my anger. More and more I can pinpoint it at the time!!!! So slowly, I'm learning. And don't you think all of us, for one reason or another, do some suppressing? Peace.

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  2. X dammed up his anger. When he exploded, it was horrible. I'm glad you learned you are entitled to your emotions.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Dear Janie, I'm wondering if when someone leaves with a person like X they don't begin themselves to suppress anger for fear of that other person--X--exploding. Peace.

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    2. Oh, yes. I hid much of my anger, and I apologized constantly. I reached the point of apologizing for my very existence. After I met Willy Dunne Wooters, he told me a number of times that I didn't need to apologize, that I hadn't done anything wrong. I don't apologize all the time now, but occasionally an apology fit still attacks me.

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    3. Dear Janie, it's so understandable why you did that and also why the habit persists. I'm relieved and glad also that "WDW" is helping you let go of the habit and setting you free. Peace.

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  3. I love buffalo plaid.
    I am living your lessons every day, dealing with the immature mother of the children I have charge of. Damn, it's hard.

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    1. Dear Joanna, it has to be so hard. Only many years later, as I continued to work with letting go of using "the silent treatment" did I realize just how hard my passive anger was on people who loved me. I made life hard for them, just of the immature mother in your comment is making life hard for you . . . and, I would think, on her children. Peace.

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  4. Wonderful reminder about how important it is to express our feelings!

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    1. Dear Stephanie, it is so important--whether they be the kind we were taught were negative (anger and fear for instance) or positive (happiness and gratitude). The wonder is, for me, that I can feel so many different emotions at any one time! Peace.

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  5. Dee
    What a great writer you are. You really "put" it out there for all to feel. That is such a good picture of you. That shirt if my favorite and I have 3 red ones and wish I had a black one.

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    1. Dear Manzanita, thank you and thanks, too, for noticing the shirt. I had two different plaids and both were so large that when I lost weight last year they just draped themselves around me. So I gave them away to Little Brothers and just tonight I was looking in the L.L.Bean catalog at flannel plaids for women. I found two I liked and I'm going to order them. I had those other two L. L. Bean shirts for at least 20 years! Peace.

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  6. We are all filled to the brim with emotions--we must learn to release them before they overflow!!

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    1. Dear Fishducky, it took so long to learn about overflowing and releasing. I came to believe that Dr. C was right about how angry I was. Peace.

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  7. Have to let a little anger out in some way or it can take over indeed. Thus the cat's ranting at my place haha

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    1. Dear Pat, cats surely show us when they're angry. Living with three now--one died in January--I could learn from them! Peace.

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  8. This post is so interesting in showing how you decided to change and grow from the place you were to where you are now. We all need to find ways to express the anger we feel about situations that affect us. Thank you for writing this so clearly. It makes me reexamine my own anger.

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    1. Dear DJan, it really took me along time to consider and then act on ways I could channel anger. It really wasn't until around 1990--so twenty-three years after this posting--that I learned to honestly tell someone what I was feeling rather than just holding it in and getting angrier and angrier. I'd suppressed so much for so long and it take a long time to come to a peace within myself. I prided myself on never once complaining in the convent and never criticizing anyone or anything that happened. And all the time I was just getting angrier and angrier inside. I truly was a time bomb! Peace.

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  9. What a gifted therapist Dr. C was! And how wonderful that you had a bond of trust with him that was strong enough that you could hear and take in what he was telling you. I've seen so many people who are literally consumed with anger. I have some deep concerns for a dear friend of mine at the moment whose life has become complicated and whose anger is so overwhelming that I fear for her health. Good for you that your were able to use his observations to grow and free yourself from that burden.

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    1. Dear Kathy, he truly was gifted.

      I"m sorry to learn about your friend because I do so believe that suppressed anger can result in our health being damaged. I think that happened to me. You are so articulate, so I hope your words will reach a place in your friend's heart where she will understand your concern and be able to sort how to make her life less complicated and how to deal with her anger in a life-giving way. Peace.

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  10. What a wise man Dr C was. I've always thought that certain feelings were good or bad, but of course he was right.

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    1. Dear Annie, he truly was a wise man. He explained that feelings weren't right or wrong; they just were. AND they were natural. We all feel anger and joy and all the other emotions. It's what we do with each feeling that makes a difference. Peace.

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  11. Wonderful post, Dee, and lessons of life in how we can handle our emotions more effectively - especially anger - and how we learn these lessons all our lives. This is a fabulous picture of you - and yes, I like the shirt too.

    By-the-way, I keep meaning to tell you that, while I did not pick up a Krueger book in MN while visiting family, I did just check out an audio of one of his books and am looking forward to "reading' it.

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    1. Dear Penny, let me know what you think of the book. I'm wondering which one it is as I've read all of books--both the series and the stand-alone "Ordinary Grace."

      I'm reading a series of books that you might enjoy. They remind me of James Herriot's books that began with "All Things Bright and Beautiful." Those were about veterinarians. This series is about two country doctors. The first in the series is "The Irish Country Doctor." I know you have a long list of books to read, but you might add this one! If you like it, you'd have six more to read in the series. Peace.

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  12. There is a book by Ruth King called "Healing Rage" that was so powerful for me several years ago. I was lucky enough to meet Ruth and hear her speak about her research and the way she came to see that so many women are angry and rageful without ever being able to express it and I was blown away. I spent most of my life being just like Dr. C described you and when I was finally free to acknowledge my feelings without judgment and find ways to express them, I swear my physical health improved right along with my mental health. So glad you found this insightful doctor!

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    1. Dear Kari, I'll look for that book at the library. And I don't doubt that your physical health improved. I know mine has as I've let go of anger and learned how to channel it without harming myself or others. I'm so glad you found the book and met the author just as I'm so grateful that I got to meet with Dr. C. Peace.

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  13. Outstanding post, Dee! You are and inspiration to all of us!!

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com

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    1. Dear Linda, I'm so pleased that you enjoyed the posting. Peace.

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  14. Oh my, you were so lucky to have found that insightful man. He was truly in the right occupation. I think a lot of women hold stuff in too much, I know I did in my early years but luckily I found ways to express my ire.
    Wonderful post Dee.

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    1. Dear Arkansas Patti, I surely "stuffed" and "stuffed" and then crammed in some more! I'm glad that you discovered how to express your anger when you were young. That's wonderful. Peace.

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  15. Dee...I just caught up again. You grab me with your words...that's for sure. What a story you have to tell......

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    1. Dear Lori, thanks so much for "catching up" to this on-going saga of a young woman trying to grow up and become an adult--at age 31! Peace.

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    1. Dear Jo-Anne, I felt plenty of anger about many things that had happened in my life. I just didn't express it and that suppression was taking its toll. Peace.

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  17. It's funny how a good therapist can say one thing and have it be so profound. When the kids were little and I was holding it all together, I remember going in for one of THEIR sessions and the therapist looked at me and when I was done with the "briefing" of the boys, she said "Aren't you tired? Every other single mom comes in here and says 'I'm so tired' first off. But not you. You just smile and keep it all together. Are you tired? Because you SHOULD be exhausted."

    And she was SOOOO right.

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    1. Dear Juli, thank you for stopping by. I'll get to your blog in the next few days. And yes, a good counselor or psychiatrist can be truly objective and say things that we really need to hear. Peace.

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  18. What a great man ---to help you so much... Suppressed anger is horrible and can cause all kinds of problems, including health problems. I think that this is an issue which needs to be explored MUCH more professionally. Suppressed anger -once that person blows up---can hurt someone else or hurt themselves... It is a serious problem. We need to be taught that it's okay to express our anger.

    Hugs,
    Betsy

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    1. Dear Betsy, I think that for so many years those of us who are in our late 50s or 60s or 70s--as I am--and of course those even older were taught that anger was a bad thing. It took me a long time to even learn to recognize it for what it was and to use the word "angry" to describe what I was feeling. Peace.

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  19. Bering justifiably angry is healthy, in my opinion. How we express it is the tricky part.

    I too am still learning. One thing I have now accepted is that I should not let people or things hurting me fester. If all else fails, turn your back and exclude them. I think that helps me.

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    1. Dear Friko, that festering, for me, I think, led to much of my depression back in the late 60s and early 70s. Peace.

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  20. Oh, Dee, you were so fortunate to fin d this wise and good man to teach you one of life's most important lessons - how to handle our anger.I really can empathise with your feeling of having to hide your anger as I was a very conformist and biddable child who had to learn that it's OK to be angry about things in the right way.

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    1. Dear Perpetua, those words you use--"conformist" and "biddable"--really do describe so many of us who were taught that anger was wrong. Not just expressing it but even feeling it was wrong. Peace.

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  21. What a wise and helpful psychiatrist. I think so many of us repress our anger - and that's not healthy or honest (as you said).

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    1. Dear LadyFi, I surely repressed for decades and sometimes I still do that. It's a long learning process this being honest with ourselves and others. Peace.

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