Thursday, June 19, 2014

Help with Taking Baby Steps




Several comments last week asked what statement of mine Sister Mary Dennis quoted on that March Sunday back in 1967. I have only a vague recollection that I’d said something about higher education; something that she felt was “patronizing.”

I can remember being confused when she’d quoted to me what I’d said. I didn’t see how I’d been smug. But clearly that was how she saw the exchange I’d had with her friends.

By 1967 I had a bachelor’s degree in English with minors in mathematics, history, and philosophy. That degree had been conferred on me when I graduated from Mount Saint Scholastic College in May 1958, right before entering the convent next door.

While in the convent I’d spent four summers taking classes at the Mount so as to become certified in Kansas and Nebraska for teaching.

The following three summers I’d gone away to study for two master’s degrees. I spent one summer at Marquette in Wisconsin taking English courses. For two summers I studied Benedictine spirituality at St. John’s University in Minnesota. However, I left the convent before completing either degree.

So in March 1967, when I spoke with those women who were studying for doctorates, I can’t imagine what I said that would have been condescending. There were far ahead of me educationally and arrogance had always been abhorrent to me. But I can vaguely remember Sister Mary Dennis saying something about how what I’d said disparaged their family background and roots.

That didn’t make sense to me. She quoted me and yet the import of what I’d said eluded me. What I remember are foggy tendrils gliding ominously into the labyrinth of my brain. Suddenly, then, I  fell apart—as I explained last week.

At some deep level, my anguish touched Sister Mary Dennis. Immediately and instinctively, she put her arm around my waist and led me over to a nearby bench where we sat together. I continued to sob uncontrollably.

She didn’t try to persuade me to stop crying. She simply waited, holding my hand. Gently.


The Child’s Bath by Mary Cassatt

Finally, I began taking deep, gulping breaths. My tears waned to a simple trickle. It was then my friend spoke.

“What’s this about, Dee?” she asked. “This seems out of proportion to what I said to you.”

I was unable to explain because I truly didn’t understand why I was crying. I just knew fear consumed me. Fear of what? I didn’t know. Several years passed before, with help, I unblocked the memory of when I was five and felt abandoned.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, Mary. I’m just so afraid. I don’t know why.”

“Has this happened before?

“This is the first time I’ve cried since the day I left the convent.”

“I’m worried about you,” she said. “Worried you might be in the midst of a breakdown.”

I looked at the concern on her face and simply nodded. I felt like a baby, crawling into a new idea. Unable to walk independently. “What do I do?” I asked. I trusted she knew and could tell me.

“I think you need to see a psychiatrist.”

“Here?”

“No, back in Dayton.”

“I don’t know how to find one.” I remember gazing at her, sure that she’d know. Sure that she knew so much that I’d never know.

“You go back to Dayton and I’ll ask around and I’ll find someone there.”

Child in a Straw Hat by Mary Cassatt

That’s what happened. The following week I received a letter in which she gave me the name of a Dayton psychiatrist. Next week I’ll share with you what happened when he and I met.

Photographs and paintings from Wikipedia.

40 comments:

  1. I find your journey more and more intriguing. I am glad Sister Mary Dennis both recognized she had pushed you toward a cliff and did not leave you to fall unnoticed.

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    1. Dear Joanne, I so wish I could have seen at the time that Sister Mary Dennis didn't abandon me when all this happened. But it took many more years before I realized what was going on: the abandonment issue + PTSD. Mary remained a good friend. Peace.

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  2. Oh Dee. Such overwhelming fear and pain. And echoing Joanne.

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    1. Dear Sue, yes, a lot of fear and pain but I was truly blind to what was causing it. It took me years of counseling to realize just why I'd gone from feeling happy to catastrophe in a few seconds. Peace.

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  3. Just sitting and waiting can sometimes be best, then two can talk with a clearer head, even as such emotions arise

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    1. Dear Pat, I suspect that most of us forget the value and beauty of silence and steadfastness. Fortunately, Mary didn't forget; she just sat next to me in silent comfort. Peace.

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  4. The only problem I have with what might be coming is that the psychiatrist is a "he" when it seems it might make things worse to have a man make judgments about you. I hope I am wrong and you were able to find solace with him.

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    1. Dear DJan, you really have a sharp eye because that "he" is going to be important! Peace.

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  5. I hope the visit with the psychiatrist went well. I will wonder and worry until you post about it.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Dear Janie, well, next week I'll take you into his office. I only hope I can do justice to our three sessions. Peace.

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  6. The gulf between intent and perception is so wide and deep at times. I'm so glad Sister Dennis was supportive and concerned about your distress. And I'll be so interested to hear what comes next! You have a way with these cliffhangers, Dee!

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    1. Dear Kathy, that gulf is wide and deep sometimes and this is a good example of that. Mary was supportive. Her sitting there in silence, simply "being" with me was such a comfort. Peace.

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  7. Hi Dee. Happy Friday. I am really enjoying reading your journey and story on here. And I imagine that writing about it must help immensely.

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    1. Dear OE, yes, writing this on-line memoir for the past three years has really helped me examine my life and come to peace with the variant puzzled pieces that I'm trying to assemble into a full picture. Peace.

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  8. This episode in your life brings back many memories of my own difficulties when I was about the same age as you. While I did not have fears of abandonment, I did have a strong belief that I was not worthy of being loved. It took a long time and some professional help as well, but oh how difficult and painful it has been! It is very difficult to realize that your behaviour has hurt someone you care about -- especially when you feel you have had a wonderful time and are feeling quite happy -- I am thinking now of a particular event in my life when I seriously offended one of my closest friends. The outcome was tragic for me because within a week she was dead -- the victim of a bee sting -- and I was never able to clear things up with her.

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    1. Dear Broad, I hope that your memories are not too painful. Writing this on-line memoir has helped me come to peace with my life and so I'm grateful both for the writing and for the response from readers from you. I know what it feels like to feel unworthy of love. We don't cherish ourselves at all then.

      I'm so sorry to learn about your friend and her death before you were able to clear things up. I hope that she was someone who could look beyond a mere blip in the road and treasure the friendship you shared and be grateful for it.

      Thank you for sharing, Broad. This can't have been easy. Peace.

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  9. I am so very sorry that you had to experience such pain from words that drove you back to a desperate time in your youth but like Joanne, I have to admire Mary Dennis for not just blasting you then abandoning you. She stayed with you and offered great advice. I sure hope the psychiatrist was a good one that gave you the help you needed at that time. I went to one quite briefly and he helped me enormously. Will anxiously await your next post. .

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    1. Dear Arkansas Patti, Mary is still in the convent and she is still someone who speaks her mind. But there is always respect behind what she says and she listens so well. She never abandoned me in all these years.

      I've been to four psychiatrists in my lifetime as well as a counselor and a spiritual director. All of them helped me and I'm so glad to hear that the one you went to helped you also.

      Sometimes we just need a listener who has so hidden agenda or no knowledge of us. No experience with us. That can be a great gift to us. Peace.

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  10. So sorry, Dee, for everything that you went through... Did you EVER find out what you might have said that was offensive to those women---or does it even matter?

    Could be that your crying (letting out the fear and emotions) was the best thing which could have happened to you at that time. Can't wait to find out more about the psychiatrist you went to.... Such an interesting life story...

    Hugs,
    Betsy

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    1. Dear Betsy, Sister Mary Dennis did repeat the words to me that I said. But at the time I did not understand why they had been offensive. The experience was uncomfortable and I've blocked whatever the sentence was.

      And yes, I think the crying helped me because I hadn't cried for about three months and I'd gone through a big change in my life. Peace.

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  11. I am so glad you did fall...so glad someone was there that was full of love...love for life and for you and for others!
    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com


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    1. Dear Terry and Linda, thank you for stopping by. I've visit your blog sometime today. This whole story does show that out of what seems "bad" can come great good. Peace.

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  12. Dee, I am catching up again. When I read your posts I can't wait to see what happens next. You truly know how to draw people in with your writing.

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    1. Dear Lori, I always seem to be playing catch-up! I'm just so pleased that you stopped by for a visit as I know how much time you spend taking care of the horses and your classes. Thank you for your kind words about my writing. Peace.

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  13. Sometimes it just takes one person to listen when some one is falling apart. Also it must have been so confusing for you when you did not know why you were crying. I am sorry that you have to go through such tough and confusing emotions.
    I have become very slow in reading these days. My heart pills make me slow. I don't like it but my doctor told that I have to slow down.
    Hopefully I will be able to catch up with blogs and read what you write in your next entry. Take care.

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    1. Dear Munir, I'm sorry to learn that you are having heart problems. I hope the pills are helping. That's more important really than rather they slow you down!!! I don't have any reason--except age--for slowing now, but my gear is almost in neutral now! Take care of yourself and be gracious to yourself. Peace.

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  14. No wonder you don't remember exactly what it was you said. It sounds like you were spiraling near this wall of tears at the time. Emotions can cloud clear thinking...especially when you were expending so much energy burying away parts of your heart...even if you didn't realize it at the time. You must have felt untethered.

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    1. Dear Rita, "untethered" is exactly the right world. Thanks for it. Peace.

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    1. Dear Jo-Anne, I was also moved by the empathy of Sister Mary Dennis and that young woman--a much younger me--who has learned so much in the intervening years. When I write about the first third of my life, I often want to put my arms around Dodo or Dolores or Dee or Sister Innocence and comfort each of them in their confusion and pain. To say, "Shh, Shh, everything's going to work out." I want to give them, individually, that assurance. Peace.

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  16. Dear Dee. I read this very moving post last week and responded, but today I thought I'd go back to check (I've been suspicious) and I don't see my response. I just don't know what happens, but cyberspace eats my comments. You might check your SPAM filter, but...

    So again I will try. I wouldn't be so persistent perhaps except that this post really touched me. I'm waiting for your next installment to learn how the psychiatrist moved your forward (or not) in the complicated work of healing a little girl's still broken heart. I can hardly bear even thinking of what it felt like to break down in such abject sorrow and then to think of what Sister Mary Dennis must have thought upon realizing how deeply her comment tore at your heart and spirit. This particular story in your development really tells me how you've moved forward through the years reclaiming your life and being such a bright light to others. I admire you so much. ox

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    1. Dear Debra, I'm so glad that your comment came through this time. Since I consider myself technologically challenged(!!!!), I have no idea and see no rhyme or reason as to why sometimes your thoughtful comments appear and other times they don't.

      I remember this story so vividly, and yet I've truly blocked what it was that I said that Mary found objectionable. I don't doubt that it may have been as I certainly wasn't myself--or the self I choose to be today--at that time. But just as I blocked what happened when the neighbor molested me in his car for three months, so I've blocked this. The neighbor experience, which happened when I was in the 5th grade, came back to me totally when I was in the convent and about age 28. So it was gone probably for 18 years.

      Our minds do try to protect us.

      Thank you for your kind words; you always make me feel good about myself and my life. Peace.

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  17. Sister Mary Dennis was there when you most needed her. How perfect life can be at times.

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    1. Dear Arleen, yes, I needed her then and when I left the convent. She was the one who got me the interview at Pflaum's in Dayton. I daily live with gratitude for all those who have befriended me throughout my life. I am blessed. Peace.

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  18. Dear Dee,
    I have been have a bit of problem commenting. I think it is on my end, but, if there are several in you spam file, please dump them. I am hoping this one will go through.
    I think the people are often put in front of us at just the right moments in our lives. Sister Mary Dennis certainly was on that day. How intuitive she was to realize that something was amiss and had the presence to get you seated. Most of us tend to want to stop the flow of tears the likes of which you had, but, Sister Mary Dennis let the storm run its course and then followed through with getting you help. Of course, we will need to wait to see what happened next.
    I can't help but feel that your writing here is going to help someone reading it, Dee; either to seek help, or, to be of help to another. It leaves me with such a sense of hopefulness.

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    1. Dear Penny, Debra also is experiencing problems with leaving comments.

      Sister Mary Dennis can be impatient when others don't understand her vision, but she is so patient when she's dealing with the human condition. Once in the novitiate I saw her with a young postulant who was sobbing and Mary was just as gentle and tender with her as she was with me several years later.

      I do hope this on-line memoir helps others. That would give even more meaning to my life. Peace.

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  19. It's hard when things come back on you and overwhelm you with emotion. I can't even imagine the intensity when it's from a suppressed memory. (((HUGS)))

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    1. Dear Juli, thank you for the hugs. That suppressed memory flooded through me and simply overwhelmed me. And yes, I remember it as being hard. Peace.

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  20. Dee, I feel sadness for the heartache you went through at that time in your life, but also gratitude that Sister Mary Dennis was there for you when it really mattered. It seems to me that this incident of misunderstanding between you was the catalyst for an opening-up which led you to seek the help you needed.

    I too can't wait for the next episode.

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    1. Dear Perpetua, you are right--it was the catalyst that brought needed change to my life.

      When you read my brief posting tomorrow, you'll understand why everyone is going to need to wait a few weeks before having the next episode to read. Peace.

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