Friday, June 13, 2014

Being "Scolded" in Washington, D. C.


Today it’s back to Dayton in March of 1967. By then, I’d worked at Pflaum Publishing for nearly two months. As each day passed, I discovered anew how to engage in the give-and-take of conversation.

Sister Mary Dennis—the Benedictine nun who’d recommended me for an editing position after I’d left the convent—was working on her doctorate at Catholic University in Washington, D. C. She now invited me to visit her.


I have no memory of whether the details of travel seemed daunting. Nor do I remember whether, upon my arrival at the Washington airport, I worried about how to get to her residence hall at Catholic University. Did she meet me at the airport?

All I remember of sightseeing is that on Saturday we visited Georgetown and ate in the paved back garden of a restaurant that featured sculptures. What else did we see? Did I tour the campus? That’s all been lost to me.


The Old Stone House, built in 1765,
is one of the oldest buildings in Washington, D. C.

What I do remember is that on Sunday morning I met several of her nun friends who were studying for graduate degrees. They were in their late twenties and early thirties—eager to learn, excited about the Second Vatican Council that had convened in Rome in October 1962 and concluded in December 1965.

Wikipedia describes the outcomes of the council as follows:

Several institutional changes resulted from the council, such as the renewal of consecrated life with a revised charism, and ecumenical effort towards dialogue with other religions, . . . and the expressive participation of laity in various religious activities.



A painting by Armand Gautier of three nuns 
in the portal of a church.
As a result of Vatican II, many religious orders in the late 1960s
 put aside their traditional “habits” and began to wear contemporary clothing. When the story behind today’s posting takes place, the nuns are still wearing habits.

More than a year had passed since the council had ended and the winds of change were blowing through the Roman Catholic Church. These changes excited Sister Mary Dennis and her friends, who were eager to discover my impressions of change. 

I can remember their excitement and spirited discussion. What I don’t remember is what I said that so riled Sister Mary Dennis. Whatever it was, only a few minutes later she excused us to her friends, and she and I began a silent walk back to her residence hall.


After the first block, she said, her voice irate, “How could you say that to my friends?”

“What did I say?” I asked, puzzled.

A vociferous scolding followed. She accused me of being condescending and of insulting her friends. Not understanding even then what had been so bad about what I said, I stammered an apology, feeling stupid. Inept. Insensitive. A lout.

My whole life came rushing back, flooding me with the fear that I would be abandoned again. That this friend now knew just how despicable I was and how unworthy of love. And that she would have nothing more to do with me.

That had been my fear since my parents had seemingly abandoned me when I was five and entering kindergarten. When they’d moved to Parsons, Kansas, where Dad had found work in a munitions factory, they left me behind with a married couple who were their friends. My grandmother insisted they’d abandoned me.

Ultimately, they returned to Kansas City but for much of the rest of my life I feared abandonment. Feared that I’d say something or do something that would—for unknown reasons—anger my parents or my friends and they’d discard me.

Sister Mary Denise’s scathing staccato of blame brought that fear surging back and I began to sob. Deep, gulping sobs racked my body. Uncontrollable sobs. Sobs so deep I had to fight for breath.

I stood on the sidewalk wailing. For long minutes—long, long minutes that felt taken out of time—I sobbed. It was then she made a suggestion that influenced the rest of my life. Next week, I hope to share that change in my life. Peace.

All photographs from Wikipedia.

37 comments:

  1. So sad that she scolded you in such a manner. Did she specify what you had said that she found so condescending or insulting? Thank you for sharing this story with us. I know it must not have been easy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear OE, yes, she did specify what I'd said. I apologize for not making that clear in the posting. To clear up this misunderstanding, which is reflected in almost all the comments, I'll write an opening paragraph about what I remember about what she said in my next posting.

      As to hard and easy, I'm finding with this memoir that writing these stories, which often tell about a hard time in my life, is truly helping me understand what has happened in my life. It's all so freeing. Peace.

      Delete
  2. Whatever you said, how sad it could not be accepted, smiled over, lunch goes on. That council was about dialogue.
    I remember it myself. I may have told this already. At a family picnic my Aunt Ruth took me aside for a crash course in hair dye. She taught, and her students would be seeing her hair for the first time. It was, she assured me, snow white. I told her, chemistry teacher that she was, buy a color of her choice and go for it. When I saw her next she wore sensible street clothes and had ash brown hair.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Joanne, I suspect we all have these incidents in our lives where we say something and it's misunderstood. I did that with this posting. I didn't make clear that I have some memory of what Sister Mary Dennis said to me about what I'd said. Peace.

      Delete
  3. I cannot imagine that you said something so awful that you deserved to be scolded and upset. I wish she would have told you what was wrong. Perhaps it was a simple misunderstanding. Whatever it was, I wish she would have let it go rather than torture you with it.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Janie, she did tell me. Obviously I didn't make that clear in the posting. But I'll do so next Thursday. Peace.

      Delete
  4. A cliffhanger! I'm so curious to know whether Sister Mary Denise was kind, or cold, or matter-of-fact in her response to your tears. I'll look forward to learning what her influential suggestion was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Deanna, I so hope I'll satisfy your curiosity next Thursday! Thanks so much for stopping by. Peace.

      Delete
  5. That's very strange that you innocently said something that upset her that much, and she wouldn't even tell you what it was. I also look forward to hearing what she had to say that influenced the rest of your life. Sending you the hugs that you deserved. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear DJan, she did tell me, but my posting didn't make that clear. I'm going to rectify that next Thursday as much as I can with the little I remember. Thank you for the hugs! Peace.

      Delete
  6. Oh Dee. I am so very sorry. I have battled with feelings of inadequacy all my life and I know how quickly I can revert. And also know that I believe criticism much more readily than praise.
    I do hope that she wasn't as cruel as this snippet sounds. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Sue, it is so easy to revert. I'm getting better in that I am able to calm myself within a few minutes and to take myself through the new thinking pattern I've developed over the years. I now remind myself with some relief that I am simply an ordinary human being and that yes, I do have flaws and fissures but that I've always done the best I can and I have strengths also.

      I hope that my posting next Thursday will show just how kind Sister Mary Denise could be. Peace.

      Delete
  7. I'm so sorry that what should have been a happy day with your friend became so painful, Dee, and am agog to hear the sequel to this unhappy conversation. Did you ever find out exactly what triggered her outburst?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Perpetua, she did tell me and I have a vague memory of what it was, but even at the time I couldn't understand her objections and that's why I felt so stupid. It was like she was speaking Greek to me. I'll explain this all in next week's posting. Peace.

      Delete
  8. This was so sad, it does take so much time to get over our childhood fears, doesn't it? I'm looking forward to learning what your friend said to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Inger, yes, it's taken me decades to come to grips with the fears of childhood. A counselor with whom I've spoken every so often for the last seven years has told me that abandonment leaves its mark for life. And that's been true for me. Thanks so much for stopping by as I know your life is stressful and worrisome right now. Peace.

      Delete
  9. Oh, Dee! How painful to have such a punishing reaction from a friend over a mistake you hadn't even realized you made and that brought back all the pain and fears from your difficult childhood. I wish her reaction had been more compassionate and hope that she let you know what she was upset about and did give you more compassion and understanding when she saw the impact her words had on you. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Kathy, she did let me know what had upset her. I really feel short on this posting in that I so got into the sobbing that I failed to make clear what I remember of what she said. I'll remedy that next Thursday. Peace.

      Delete
  10. Sometimes words can mean nothing to us but some people sure take them the wrong way and get their ummm errr undies in a bunch lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Pat, she did get her "undies in a bunch"!!!! I so love that expression because I did too at the time. I just fell apart and got confused and agitated and unable to make much sense. Peace.

      Delete
  11. It is terrible when we get scoleded and really don't understand what we have done wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Jo-Anne, she did explain but I didn't understand. And since then I seem to have blocked her explanation. Peace.

      Delete
  12. In my last post I wrote a quote of Maya Angelou that said that we may not remember what someone said or did, but we remember how they made us feel. I see that so much in your writing. As with many of us, you will always wear the pains and joys of your life close to the surface. I think it helps makes us empathetic and kinder to others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Arleen, yes I believe you have pinpointed what is in so many posts: how I felt at the time. This on-line memoir is helping me come to peace with so many of the residual feelings of my life. And so it is freeing me from those feelings. I'm grateful for that. I do hope that my experiences and how they made me feel have made me more empathetic and understanding. My mom used to counsel me to always try to walk in another person's moccasins before passing judgment. And having these experiences is a ay of doing so. Peace.

      Delete
  13. Oh Dee! I want to know what she said! Although it's been so very many years, I feel a sadness that you experienced such a deep sense of abandonment. When you first told us about how your parents left you behind I was just so bothered by that. I know that perhaps they had good reason, none of it having to do with you being unworthy, but something they perceived as appropriate, but anyone who understand child development knows that this was a very damaging event for you to have experienced. Did you ever come to understand what it was you said that had been so "disgraceful?" You have such a kind heart, and I just can't imagine the suffering you've endured at times of being so badly misunderstood. I am VERY eager to read next week's installment. What a story you have to tell, my friend. ox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Debra, Sister Mary Denise did tell me what I'd said. I was negligent in not sharing what I remember of that. But I got into the sobbing and lost the thread of the post! I'll put things right next Thursday. And I hope that posting will leave you "eager" to read the installments that will follow!!!!!! Peace.

      Delete
  14. It sounds as if out of Sister Mary Dennis's tirade, which has had such a life-long sting, something proactive arose. I am hoping so, Dee, for such a tongue lashing is devastating, and seems, at my initial reading, to have come out of nowhere. I look forward to learning what her suggestion was - and what you did.

    Abandonment in childhood is such a raw feeling, isn't it, Dee - and, of course, your grandmother did nothing but make it worse for you at the time.

    Hope you are feeling well, my friend, and enjoying the summer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Penny, I'm not sure she would think of her words as a "tirade" but that is exactly the feeling that I had. I need to do a better job in my next posting about what I can remember her saying. I think that it felt so hurtful at the time that I've blocked it. Peace.

      Delete
  15. Stopping by to say Happy Father's Day.

    WELL---sometimes it takes 'bad' things happening to us all which help us make necessary changes in order to find the 'real us'---and to be able to go on with our lives in a positive direction.. Can't wait to read more.

    Hugs,
    Betsy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Betsy, yes, one thing, among many, that Mom taught me was to look for the good in everything. Sometimes years pass before we can see that an experience that hurt at the time also taught us something important. Peace.

      Delete
  16. I'm glad you will explain what it was she was upset with you about and can hardly wait to hear the rest of this cliffhanger. Sometimes we allow people to hurt us so badly--even when they were wrong to do so. Feelings are not always logical.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Rita, emotions. often don't match what on onlooker might think we are feeling. Walking in another's shoes isn't easy. Peace.

      Delete
  17. What a cliffhanger! And how terrible to feel such abandonment... Glad to hear that you'll find peace in next week's instalment.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear LadyFi, abandonment is truly an issue that children take into adulthood. I felt so insecure for many, many years and needed psychiatric help to let go of the fear that others would abandon me. Peace.

      Delete
  18. I used to take all things easy and go, but some-word's cannot be forgotten. Whenever i see them the words come to my mind. Same way i understand your feelings in this post.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Dear WW, thanks for stopping by. Isn't it strange--or maybe simply human--that the negative things we've heard or that people have said to us stay with us while the many positive things simply pass by like a train in the night? Why do we choose to remember the negative????? Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Abandonment is a fear so once it gets into one's head it's hard to set it free. By nature we love attention from peers and when that is not possible the fear moves in. It is not fun to be lonely and unwanted. Your friend seemed a bit insensitive.

    ReplyDelete