Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Best Laid Plans . . .


Just last week I posted the routine to which I was going to commit myself for the remainder of this year. Several of you left comments in which you encouraged me—gently—to be more realistic and not ask too much of myself.
         How wise you are. Already my three-pronged plan has become too ambitious. In less than five weeks, I’ll celebrate my 78th birthday. And the truth is that I no longer have the energy and resilience I once took for granted.
         Moreover, I deal daily with two physical problems that leave me tired much of the time. Today, I’ll share with you the ramifications of one of them—Ménière’s Disease. Next Thursday I hope to explain the impact of Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma.
         I experienced my first episode of Acute Rotational Vertigo in 2002. Nothing occurred again until 2006 when my Ménière’s became, according to the specialist, progressive and intractable.
         I spent the next eighteen months experiencing ARV episodes—with the walls, ceiling, and floor rotating around me. Nausea and vomiting accompanied each episode. I couldn’t walk without falling and so I crawled from room to room.


         These episodes usually began with me suddenly pitching forward: down the steps, in the rock garden, out of bed, against windowpanes and the sharp corners of tables, toward the pot of boiling spaghetti. The pitch forward, prelude to the episode, came without warning.
         The episodes were of varying length. The longest for me was twenty-four hours. Because of Ménière’s, I couldn’t drive. Read. Watch television. Work at the computer.
         An operation in 2007 made those ARV episodes mostly a thing of the past. However, two weeks ago I experienced ten hours of simple vertigo. Not acute rotational. Just simple. And yet it had me crawling from bed to bathroom to kitchen. Mostly I kept my head on the pillow. Why? Because a boulder had lodged within my skull cavity. When I raised that heaviness off the pillow, I felt as if my head were going to tumble off my shoulders.


         But that occurrence was, I hope, simply a fluke because neither ARV nor simple vertigo happens often anymore. I do have days in which I deal with about five variations of vertigo in ascending order: tentativeness, imbalance, light-headedness, dizziness, wooziness. When I have one of those days, I do little.
         The more problematic side effect of Meniere’s is its headache. In intensity it’s like a migraine, but without light sensitivity. Precipitous barometric changes often trigger these headaches, which can last many hours. They leave me exhausted, as do vertigo episodes and wooziness. I sleep long hours after experiencing them.


         Unfortunately, I live in an area known as “Tornado Alley,” which brings with it many barometric changes. So I have headaches often. In fact, I’ve had a headache everyday for the last sixteen days. During that time, desperate to assure myself that I could get something written this year and find an agent, I wrote last week’s posting. I think that’s called “whistling in the dark”!!!


         But yesterday I read the following words written by the Buddhist monk Pema Chödrön: “Take the whole teatime just to drink your tea.” That line encourages me to live in the present and be within whatever I am experiencing. It encourages me to let go of control.
         Surely, planning schedules for the future is a form of control and yet Ménière’s has tried to teach me again and again that I have control only over the way I respond to life. As you must know by now, I’m a slow learner. Still, I may finally be slogging along the road to reality. I feel myself ready to embrace what one of you suggested: “going with the flow.”
         These are not new words to me. Other friends throughout my life have made the same suggestion. And I try. I do so try. Maybe that’s the result of the asthma with which I was born. Always there is within me a desire to achieve. To leave a mark on life.
         So here’s to going with the flow. I’ll drink—a cup of tea—to that!  
        
PS: If you’d like to know more about Ménière’s, click here. I experienced the four classic symptoms that are listed midway down the article.

Photographs from Wikipedia.

45 comments:

  1. At least you have come to understand that you are pushing too hard for where you are in life. But I sense you still feel guilt, or regret when you are unable to accomplish what you set out to do. I think we leave our mark with love and kindness, and, from what I know of you, that you have done to overflow. So, take Pama's advice and sit a while. Sip your tea and let it go, whatever it is, let it go.....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Inger, right now, I've brewed some green tea and I'm sitting here, responding to all these wonderfully supportive comments. I'm hoping that green tea may help with the headaches--it's just a thought of mine. Also, I'm not going to watch television for a week so as to see if the movement on the screen might be playing some role in these headaches. So I'm going to be sipping lots of tea and mostly reading and resting this weekend. Peace.

      Delete
  2. For some reason, my computer read your posts as a bunch of of computer symbols for weeks, until today.

    Learning to recognize one's limits has been hard for me as well, with my chronic migraines. Drink your tea, and enjoy its warmth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Susan, I can't imagine having chronic migraines with the light sensitivity. It's a wonder to me that you could teach with those. And yes, that's exactly what I"m doing: learning to recognize my limits. And . . . admitting that I have them. Peace.

      Delete
  3. Dear Dee, I too need to learn to take the whole of teatime. I'm working up to it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Joanne, frankly, I think I'll be "working up to it" for the rest of my life. And maybe that's not a bad way to spend the coming years. Peace.

      Delete
  4. I believe I experienced vertigo for the first time recently. I went to a concert. We were seated up pretty high. I stood up to join the standing ovation for the performer and felt so dizzy that I thought I was going to fly forward. I sat down immediately, feeling frightened and confused. Perhaps I had just the slightest taste of what you experience so often.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Janie, I'm saddened to learn that you experienced that vertigo. It must have been especially terrifying because you were seated in a upper deck. The flying forward is discombobulating--to say the least. I so hope this was a one-time thing for you. Peace.

      Delete
  5. So glad to see your writing here, and I'm thrilled that you're deciding to listen to Pema. She is a wonder, that's for sure. I used to think that if I put my goals out there in the world in writing, other people would help me stick to them, but I've come to realize that if I'm not doing something with passion and purpose, there's a reason for it. It is hard to slow down and stay in the moment, but so much more rewarding to be in the midst of doing something completely. I hope the headache goes away soon and you are able to put yourself wholeheartedly into each project you choose. Love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Kari, my experience is like yours--if I'm not feeling passionate about what I'm writing . . . about the words and the characters and the scene and the plot . . . then my writing lacks "salt." The thing is that as I age I'm so aware of how fleeting time is and that I have fewer and fewer days to live and I want to get so much written . . . and published. And yet, that doesn't stand a chance of happening if I keep pushing myself because I did that once before, back in 2009, and I ended up with two years of really bad health. So I truly am going to try to be patient and loving toward myself. If what I write is for the good of the Universe, I trust that it will ultimately be published. Peace.

      Delete
  6. Going with the flow works indeed. That has to suck a ton, vertigo was like one of the only things I didn't have when i was screwed up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Pat, I've suspected that you've experienced your own hard times because of the wisdom that is often revealed in your rhymed postings. Peace.

      Delete
  7. Let me just add this to the wonderful comments about your post: there is simply no way to know how we impact the world around us. You have made a huge difference in my life, just to cite one, by writing on this blog about what is happening to you. Please consider yourself to have already accomplished what you set out to do, and let the rest be... gravy. Sending you love and light. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear DJan, thank you for your kind words. As I said to Kari in a response to her comment on this posting, if what I write is for the good of the Universe--for all of us who the Holy Oneness of All Creation--then I will be published. And perhaps I am being published with my postings on this blog. I need to consider that and as you say, if more comes--publication by a well-known publishing house--that will be "gravy"!!! Thank you for sending both love and light. Both gentle my soul. Peace.

      Delete
  8. Dearest Dee,

    I think you have reached the much more important goal in life with your service to others. The greatest thing one can say about another is they are a good person, a good friend and a good teacher. You have been all three and accomplished much, touched many and showed by example the importance of kindness.

    Have your tea, take care of yourself, and let your anxiety go. So many of us care about you, Dee, and we want for you what you always end your comments with - Peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Arleen, your comment touches me deeply. I would like to think that the Holy Oneness of All Creation has worked through me to do good unto those whose lives I have touched. My own life has been touched by so many loving and wonderful people--like yourself--and all of you are the blessing for which I feel grateful each and every day. Peace.

      Delete
    2. Dear Dee,

      I am so glad to hear that you have been pain-free for the past three weeks. I hope this continues.

      I am thinking of you and pray that the coming spring will bring you good health along with the better weather.

      Peace to you, dear friend.

      Delete
    3. Dear Arleen, it's not been three weeks, but three days and they have been glorious. And yesterday, the fourth day I had just the onset of a headache and I took medicine and it went away. So really, I've had four days and they've been delicious!

      Thank you for your prayers and peace to you, Arleen.

      Delete
  9. I agree, go with how the day feels. I used to beat myself up about not writing, but in the end the only one it bothered was me. I found that my best work is produced when it comes naturally not via a schedule. Just another reason I am not doing the A-Z challenge this year. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Juli, we really do a job on ourselves don't we--those of us who feel compelled to produce . . . to do something . . . to have something to show for our day each day. What I need to learn is that if at the end of the day I have peace and a feeling of being One with all creation than the day has given me its blessing. Peace.

      Delete
  10. I am also a slow learner and, like you, harder on myself than I am on anyone else, or than anyone else is to me. Being kind to ourselves is necessary, is beneficial and somehow seems wrong and self indulgent.
    You are not alone. At all.
    A work in progress. For both of us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Sue, I like to think of your phrase that we are "a work in progress." When I think of the many drafts I've done of each of the three manuscripts I now have ready. So much editing and polishing of those "works in progress." So why should I be any different? Oh, Sue, thanks for this image, it gives me such comfort to think of myself as being a work in progress. Peace.

      Delete
  11. There is nothing better than a nice cup of tea! I am glad to read that you are going to take it easy on yourself -- one day at a time and sometimes it's just moment by moment. Whatever, you are so aware and so much a part of your world and to me that is a phenomenal accomplishment...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Broad, yes, moment by moment. Today I had my hair cut and did four errands and then came home and napped. When I finish responding to these comments, I'll sit with my green tea and sip and feel gratitude for the fact that I have only the niggle of a headache today. And that's been grand and glorious!

      And thank you for your kind words. I think all of us need to write a posting as I've done on this blog because I believe that what you've said to me can be said to all of us--we have all had phenomenal accomplishments in our long lives. Those accomplishments differ--I have no children or grandchildren as you do--but all we've given during all these years sum up the meaning of our lives and that truly is grand and glorious. Peace.

      Delete
  12. Yes, living in the present is what so very few of us manage. Most of us push for tomorrow and lose today. Thanks for the reminder. I'm guilty also.
    I don't know how you survived Ménière’s but then you are such an incredibly strong person. I hope relaxing your goals a bit will take some of the pressure off and you can enjoy that tea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Arkansas Patti, I'm going to let go of scheduling and get up each day and respond to the urging in myself to write or blog or cook or bake or walk or visit or read or do any of the myriad activities that can make up a well-lived day. For me, that will be the beginning of living in the moment and being aware of what my body is telling me. Peace.

      Delete
  13. In your honor Dee, today I will drink a cup of tea out of my cat cup and spend some time sitting snuggled up with our cat on my lap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Mary Beth, what a surprise to find a comment from you this morning. Thank you. It would be so wonderful if you and I and the cats with whom we live and Carlos could sit together and sip tea and talk of many things---cabbages and kings! Peace.

      Delete
  14. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I recently came out of several months of horrible vertigo, where my surroundings went into a spin, I didn't know which way was up, etc. It was the most unsettling, uncomfortable thing I've experienced. The ENT had no explanation, other than it would go away after a few months. I know how debilitating that is. Please do continue to be easy on yourself and be comfortable with a schedule your body can accommodate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Shelly, did the ENT consider Meniere's Disease???? Is the ARV still going on for you? I so hope not. It truly is, as you say, "debilitating." In a real way, I lost for life for eighteen months, but during that time I truly learned the joy of friendship for my friends rallied round and shopped for me and brought me books from the library and took me to doctor appointment. I never realized until then just how blessed I was. Peace.

      Delete
  15. Pema Chödrön: “Take the whole teatime just to drink your tea.” - I have now copied into my Commonplace Book, which guides me in much that I do. Thank you, Dee.

    I'm sorry for your recurrence of Meniere's, proud of you for recognizing it and slowing down as you must. I need to tell you that I did not know much about Meniere's until I began reading your blog. Learning about it from you and your wonderful writing, which is, in itself, a ministry, led to easing the concern of another recently. I was at a meeting, during the social portion, and chatting with an acquaintence I had not seen in several months. We exchanged pleasantries, then I asked about her husband. She said Meniere's had recurred during the holiday and was surprised that I knew what it was. Now, that may sound simple enough, but, speaking with someone who knew something about it allowed her to open up a bit more, and, it seems, validate her concerns and her husband's condition. I know this won't abate your symptoms, Dee, but, I hope it gives you some measure of comfort knowing you helped two women in a brief moment in time. Thank you, dear one. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Dear Penny, thank you so much for sharing this story with me. Once I got through the worse--those eighteen months--I vowed that I'd always help anyone I could who was experiencing Meniere's. And you've lightened my heart by telling me that you learned about the disease through this blog and were able to help this woman whose life must be so affected by her husband's Meniere's.

    Watching someone have an episode can be terrifying. I know this because a few times my friends saw it happen to me. They felt so helpless because there was nothing they could do for me. And I felt so sorry for them because they were experiencing their own agony because of this disease.

    And I know that being able to talk with someone who understands, as you do now, makes so much difference. I found that out when I went to a support group after my operation. So I want to say thank you to you, Penny, for being there with your kind words and understanding for this woman whose life has been turned upside down. Peace.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Life became less stressful to me when I accepted that my body is the boss of me. I work within the perimeters my body allows me. Not always easy and can be sooo frustrating at times--but when I stop fighting that fact then life goes a lot more smoothly.

    You know how I have these almost OCD organizing tendencies and am a listmaker and planner...well, having to kind of let go of all that at a moment's notice has taken me a few years to really adjust to. I still make my lists and plans--but they are all tentative. Still feels good to make them. But they are truly tentative. Being adaptable and accepting have become the priority qualities for my days to be happier.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear one!! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Rita, your words reflect a life that I've seen you live. That is, your posting reflect that you have become "adaptable" and "accepting." I hope that I, too, can let go of my life-long dream to write a novel and simply move toward that when the day and the health and the headache permit. And give myself some slack. I certainly did that yesterday and I had a wonderful day simply being. Thank you for the hugs! Peace.

      Delete
  18. Dee, I'm so glad to read this and know that you're going to try to live more in the present and go with the flow. I can completely understand your desire to see all your work come to fruition, but working yourself into ill-health won't achieve that. You've already done so much and conquered so much. Now is the time to listen to your body and do what seems right day by day. Drink your tea, dear Dee and be kind to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Perpetua, an interesting happening is that on Friday and Saturday I simply let myself live in the present without any feeling that I had to produce by reading blogs or writing and I drank green tea and didn't watch television . . . and had no headache even while the barometer plummeted. Ah. A big sigh of relief. Maybe the way is showing itself to me. Peace.

      Delete
  19. Hi, We are home from a wonderful trip to Arkansas with friends. Photos tomorrow!!!!!

    Hope you have had a great week, considering your health problems. That disease sounds horrible. My love and prayers are with you.

    Hugs,
    Betsy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Betsy, I'm so glad you got to visit with friends in Arkansas and I look forward to the new photographs. I had a wonderful weekend healthwise and a fine day today. Peace.

      Delete
  20. Gosh, I can't even begin to imagine living with this illness. Going with the flow sounds fine. And what a dramatic shot of the tornado!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear LadyFi, now I mostly just live with the headaches and so many, many people get migraines. The illness has helped me realize just how hard going to work, studying, and all the things people do must be for chronic migraine sufferers. Peace.

      Delete
  21. Take care of your health. You will be in my prayers to get well soon...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear WW, I hope you take care of your health also. As we age, it becomes increasingly important. And thank you for your prayers. Peace.

      Delete
  22. thank you for posting on my blog. As you can see not too many people do! I was quite distracted this past month because my mother was dying. Even while dying she would demand to see the painting or sketch I did every day.
    Where's your new painting? unbelievable. I don't know if i would have succeeded on the challenge if she had not been asking to see what i had done, because we were so frazzled taking care of her.

    Do take care of yourself and I am so sorry to hear about headaches. I want to hear more about your experiences teaching inner city school children.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Goodness, I know what you mean about taking it slower. My grandmother had a heart condition, and as a result has dealt with vertigo for decades. We love her, but she's never been able to run and play and all such. It makes me count my blessings. I've been through an episode the last couple years with chronic illness, and I'll never take for granted the value of a healthy body again--as I desperately work toward having one.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hello, I hopped over here from DJan's blog. I'm sorry about the health woes, and know how awful the vertigo can be, although yours sounds so much worse than mine. I have had recurring bouts for a decade of what my doctors call Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo, it can last for days or weeks. Mine is triggered by head movement and the whole room spins around me. If I'm standing up, I can fall over, and if I'm laying down, it feels like I will fall off the floor. My eyeballs ratchet back and forth uncontrollably and I am nauseous. There is a head manipulation treatment that tries to put the loose crystals in the inner ear back in place, but it's not very effective. This little gift is just one of many I've had for the last decade that have made my life feel very surreal and tested my good nature to its limits. It's so strange to try to explain to people what is happening when one of these episodes happens, or what it's like to live with chronic health issues when there is nothing visible on the outside except my tired face. I get by with relativity therapy, thinking about what I still can do, and being grateful every day for the internet to keep me connected, and a good cup of tea every day to help me relax. I hope you are feeling better, and if not, that the cup of tea is a good distraction and your internet friends help make you smile.

    ReplyDelete