Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Buddhism and Ménière’s Disease


(Continued from Wednesday, August 22 . . . )

Two weeks ago, I posted the story of how Blue came into my life during an asthma attack when I was eight. Today I’d like to share a happening sixty-two years later.
            In May 2006, Ménière’s Disease imprisoned me for eighteen months. At any moment, I could pitch forward onto the floor, tumble down the steps, bang my head on a rock in the perennial garden, fall against a window pane. The house became both refuge and mine field. Terror camped around me, and I often spent the day crawling from room to room, unable to stand balanced.
            Vomiting, dehydration, and a loss of mental capacity accompanied these acute rotational vertigo episodes, which occurred almost daily. I couldn’t drive or walk outside. I couldn’t watch television or scroll a computer screen. Parallel lines brought on episodes, so I could not read. My life narrowed to my thoughts, books on tape, and the walls of the two-story house.


            One day in late summer, I sat in a chair listening to a tape. Abruptly, an attack thrust me to the floor. It rotated. The walls rotated counter-clockwise. Moving. Moving. Moving. I vomited. My head fell into the mess.
            I didn’t know how long this episode would last—one had gone on for twenty-four hours—so I wanted to be in bed. I slowly turned over. My brain had become tangled yarn. The walls rotated. The ceiling—the  floor—moved inexorably.
            I crawled down the hall, into my bedroom, to the four-poster, mahogany bed that had belonged to my grandparents. With great effort, I pulled myself upward onto its high mattress. Everything rotated. I lay on my back, the room rotating. I fixed my blurred gaze on the far right-hand corner of the ceiling. Fixing one point could keep me from continuing to vomit.


The cats and I and my 1904 bed on a “normal” day.

            Panic deluged me. What to do? What to do? What to do? The walls rotated. My stomach churned. My head felt heavy.
            Then thought came: “It’s not my fault this is happening. I can’t do anything to make it go away. I have no control over it.”
            Another thought passed like ticker tape through my muddled brain. The year before, I’d read a book on Buddhism. In it, the author suggested that when we feel deep, sometimes frightening, emotion, we let ourselves “sink” into the feeling. We let ourselves breathe within it.
            So that’s what I did. I simply sank into vertigo. I stretched out my arms on the bed and opened my palms so that they could accept whatever happened. I let myself become the episode and in doing do I experienced a cessation of panic.
            Ultimately, the episode released me. Exhausted, I slept for long hours. But I learned, as I had so many years before with asthma, how to let go and sink into a frightening experience to enter calm waters.
            Why hadn’t I entered Blue when these acute rotational vertigo episodes occurred? A good question and the only answer I have shows how narrow, perhaps rigid, my mind truly can be. It just never occurred to me. This wasn’t asthma and somehow I never thought that Blue, which was my nirvana for that disease, could be used for Ménière’s. Ah, how frail we humans are.
                                                            (Continued next Wednesday . . . )

PS: Some of you may want to know more about Ménière’s Disease. Last year I posted a series of seven stories about it. You will find these under the label “Ménière’s Disease” on the right-hand side of this blog.

PPS: “Twelve Habits of Highly Successful Cats & Their Humans” was downloaded 741 times during the three days it was offered free during the recent blog fest of which I was a part. “A Cat’s Life: Dulcy’s Story,” which was offered free for only one day, was downloaded 1,384 times.
             As many of you know, I’m a rank novice with regard to social media, so I find all this amazing. It happened only because of the generosity and expertise of Elisa Hirsch who sponsored the gala affair. I want to thank both you and Elisa for its success. I feel I’ve hitched my wagon to a rising star.

Photo of stairs from Wikipedia.

58 comments:

  1. I have heard such frightful stories of how very debilitating Meniere's Disease is. I am so sorry you've have to suffer through it, but I'm also thankful you've found your escape hatch, so to speak.

    And a hearty congratulations on all the downloads of your books! I, too, am looking forward to reading them~

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    1. Dear Shelly, yes, I did find an escape hatch. The episodes didn't cease for some time, but I'd found away to let go of panic. You see, my fear was that one would start and never go away and I'd be caught forever in an acute rotational vertigo episode. Peace.

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  2. Congrats lady! That's more than any of the other books got downloaded! You truly are a rock star. I'm glad you have less problems with your Meniers. I really hope it never gives you any more problems. Take care my friend.

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    1. Dear Melynda, I have very few problems with Meniere's now. Mostly just migraines and they come much less seldom also. Peace.

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  3. I have the occasional bout with vertigo so I know how awful it is when it is in full force. Glad it's better and congratulations on the downloads!!

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    1. Dear Nancy, I'm sorry to learn that you have bouts of vertigo. It's no fun and the fer always for me at least is that they're not going to stop. That I've entered an alternate universe and won't get back out. Peace.

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  4. Giving yourself up to asthma or vertigo sounds so difficult. I hope it lets you conquer the Meniere's!!

    Your books were so popular because they're GOOD!!!!

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    1. Dear Fishducky, the Meniere's is so much better, thanks to the operation I had several years ago. Now I just get the occasional migraine headache and I have a prescription for that. So all is well. And thanks again for your vote of confidence. It helps that you so believe in me. Peace.

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  5. Congratulations on all your downloads! Really amazing!

    I admire you so much for the way you can find your center, peace in the midst of overpowering, terrible emotions. It's really lovely to witness.

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    1. Dear Emily, yes, finding that center made all the difference and continues to make a difference. The mantra I say each night as I go to sleep is from Juliana of Norwich: "And all shall be well. And all shall be well. And all manner of things shall be exceedingly well." That comforts me greatly. Peace.

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  6. Sacred Blue - Sacre Bleu

    You are so right about Elisa. I am grateful for our connections with one another. Congratulations on the downloads and on your ability to let go of panic. The photo of you and your kitties is beautiful.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Dear Janie, I love that photograph also. The only cat who wasn't on the bed was Jeremiah. He was such a philosopher that I suspect he sat on the floor next to the bed thinking long and deep and mysterious thoughts about his family on that bed. Peace.

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  7. Each time I come to visit you here I am full of awe and wonder on so many levels. You are such an inspiration to me. Many, many thanks.

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    1. Dear EC, thank you for your kind words. Your blog inspires me too with its love of birds and beauty and its unbounded optimism about possibility. Peace.

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  8. Kudos to Elisa for getting those books into so many Kindles and Kindle apps. I of course already owned both of them, so I'm very happy to hear others are being turned on to them. I knew little to nothing about Meniere's disease. How awful! You have endured much during your life, Dee. It has only made you stronger, it seems.

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    1. Dear DJan, it just "tickles me pink" to know that you own both of Dulcy's books. I like to know that we share her story. About being strong--sometimes I feel so weak and inadequate and then I simply let myself think of all I have to be grateful for and I say those things out loud and sometimes sing them to some song melody and finally I end up pretty well accepting that who I am is who I am and that I'm okay. Peace.

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  9. Dee, YOU are amazing and so is your writing. I'm sorry you've had to go through such hard things, but the way you always handle them shows what a treasure you are ;)
    You're a doll and I'm so grateful to know you.

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    1. Dear Elisa, you have helped me so much with "Twelve Habits of Highly Successful Cats & Their Humans." The book wouldn't be published without your enthusiasm for it and your generous help. Thank you. Peace.

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  10. I had no idea how debilitating this disease is, Dee. It's incredible that I didn't presume how horrible non-stop vertigo would be for you...I suppose I just can't really imagine it. There is a violence to the attacks that I wouldn't have known about.

    I do think you've offered some really amazing thoughts about how to "sink into" an overwhelming experience. It is the same with getting caught up in a riptide in the ocean. Swimming against it only fatigues to the point of drowning. When we hear "go with the flow" we often only think of that as a means of releasing the simple things. Not the tidal waves! You've given me so much to think about today, Dee.

    Great news about your downloads! How delightful! Debra

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    1. Dear Debra, the thing that truly was so frightening to me was the fear that an episode would go on ad infinitum. That it would never end and I'd spend the rest of my life in an alternate Universe and be totally helpless. One rotational episode did last twenty-four hours and I feared that it would never end. So letting go for me truly was going with the flow and accepting that whatever happened was part of the Holy Oneness of All Creation of which the cats and I were a part. Peace.

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  11. Loved the last line of this post!

    I'm glad you were able to find comfort in letting yourself sit with the pain. It's a scary step to take, but going thru it is always the best way to get thru it.

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    1. Dear Stephanie, you are so wise for one so young. Peace.

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  12. I had no idea this disease is that horrendous. And living alone with all that going on. It's interesting how we compartmentalize things in our lives, isn't it? Blue goes with asthma and does not apply to this disease. Thank you for all these insights, at my age, I know I'm not immune to things happening to my body and I hope I will remember both Blue and the Buddhist way. I think you would enjoy this book, which I bought used on amazon: The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating. It's about a woman who was ill for many years and found joy in watching a wild snail someone brought her. Fran read it and said she loved it too. Maybe I told you about it already? I agree with you about the Kindle. I will treat myself to the cheapest Kindle for Christmas. Then we can share our Kindle experiences.

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    1. Dear Inger, I have the book "The Sound of a Wild Snail Eating." A friend--one like you who seems to know what I like!!!!--sent it to me a few weeks ago. It's on my night time reading stand and is slowly coming to the top as I finish one book and go to another.

      Yes, let's each get a Kindle and share what we read and our experiences! Peace.

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  13. When you write about Meniere's I feel a sort of empathetic panic take over my body. I begin to imagine how I would feel were I so utterly not in control of my own body and it scares me. I don't honestly know how you managed it, but your discovery of one of the tenets of Buddhism really spoke to me. I, too, have discovered that when I am most actively resisting an emotion, the best thing to do is open up to it and truly feel it in all its "glory." Thank you for the reminder.

    So pleased about your downloads! But don't sell yourself short - your "wagon" is a rising star, too.

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    1. Dear Kari, I so like what you said about "the best thing to do is open up to it (an emotion we are resisting) and truly feel it in all its 'glory.'" I wish I'd had those words when I wrote the posting. Thank you for them. Peace.

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  14. Hello Dee, that is shocking to experience vertigo for so long.
    The BEST med for vertigo is, STEMITIL ... It is actually an anti-emetic but is great to stop dizziness. They don't prescribe it very much in the USA, although it is available there. ASK for it if you ever suffer again.But then sleep with it.
    Also... have you tried diet? This may sound crazy to you but please check out my Health Blog on the Ketogenic Diet.
    http://crystalmaryandhealthissues.blogspot.com/ It helps with seizures and Alzheimers (brain) and Meniere's is similar..
    Please get this movie and watch it...It's called "First Do Not Harm" (These words are part of the medical oath and yet many doctors do much harm.) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118526/
    You will be amazed. Much love Crystal Hugs OO

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    1. Dear Crystal, thanks for telling me about the meds for Meniere's. I'll ask the pharmacist if we can get it in the United States. Another medication you once mentioned to me was not available in the US. And yes, I have tried diet. But what really take away nearly all the episodes was an operation I had. Peace.

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  15. Oh, Dee! I feel such pain for you.
    My only connection with Meniere's disease, came about when my Mom was being treated for a type of vertigo. And, at that time, Meniere's disease was ruled out. But, I did not know the agony she escaped.
    I cannot imagine how you endured those days, and I pray they never find you again.

    Blessings,
    Patricia

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    1. Dear Patricia, things go well for me now. I've had only one episode this past year. Basically all I deal with is Meniere's migraines. Patricia, I hope you are okay. I've missed your posting since mid-July and wondered if all is well. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. Peace.

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  16. That is so true! When you panic and fight the pain it can make it even worse. I thought of it as finding my calm center...and I taught Dagan how to do that from the time he was old enough to understand because of all the things he had to go through with his heart. Dagan doesn't know that I would be silently wiping away tears of relief (and pride) as I would watch him even at under two years old, eyes closed, as his breathing slowed and muscles relaxed...as I helped talk him to his calm place. He learned to do it on his own and it saved his life when he was 19. He was the eye of the storm. Still is.

    Since having fibro and arthritis, I totally understand the "sinking into the pain" and have tried to describe it to people. You described it perfectly!! I was so happy for you reading this that I am crying!! It has always felt very spiritual to me and I felt that when I was reading your description, too. *big hugs* You are really something!! :):)

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    1. Dear Rita, oh, I'm so glad that Dagan had you. And I so appreciate the expression you used--"he was the eye of the storm." That exactly, absolutely exactly, describes what I was trying to say. You are a wonder. Peace.

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  17. Dee, I had no idea of the true horror of Meniere's disease until I read this, even though a friend once had several acute episodes. I was so moved to read of your discovery of sinking into the pain and the dizziness, rather than trying to fight them. I hope I can hold onto this lesson for when I one day might need it. You truly are a remarkable woman.

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    1. Dear Perpetua, I think that the Buddhist suggestion is a good one for all kinds of feelings we resist. I'm trying to do that whenever I find myself turning away from something that seems hard to handle. I hope you know just how remarkable you are. Peace.

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  18. That you had such fortune in getting downloads for your publications is so great. Sad to learn about the terrible months of illness. I do understand the concept of conquering. It is very real and most useful.

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    1. Dear Hidrun, yes, those downloads were indeed wonderful. I'm hoping that the free downloads will result in readers looking for anything else I write!!!! But really, the truth is that while earning some extra money would be helpful, I really want people to come to know the sweetness of Dulcy. Peace.

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  19. Symptoms like that can leave you feeling like a fox cornered by hounds. Before I experienced mental illness I was never a sink-er. I didn't see the nuances or positives to sinking into. I do now & I do also meditate every day. I have almost a friendly rivals feeling when it comes to illness now. I have had some very nice flow states.

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    1. Dear Mary, I'm glad that this works for you too. The sinking into was a gift to me and helped me let go of terror and the fear that the episode would never end. I'm glad also that you've had "nice flow states." I love the way you said that! Peace.

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  20. This is a horrible disease, even just reading about it makes me feel sick. I am so glad you conquered it in the end.

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    1. Dear Friko, it is indeed horrible. You know though that I learned a lot from the disease. I wouldn't want to live those days and weeks and months over again but I'm not sorry now that they happened. I seem to learn only by experiencing something for myself. Peace.

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  21. Your horrendously intense vertigo experiences would be enough to turn the most sane mind upside down. I'm sure anxiety, tension, distress(which stress can become) likely exaccerbated your condition. My limited experience was associated with what was ultimately diagnosed as related to a sinus infection, but prior to that I was treated for years for migraine as my periodic symptoms worsened. I hadn't had a problem for many years until only a few years ago, but think lack of prompt and strong enough medical treatment allowed the problem to reach the severity it did. Years ago -- at times I could experience increased sensitivity to certain odors including various perfumes that could set up beginning symptoms. Likewise, the recent instances were associated with possible musical instrument sound waves, select visual computer and/or TV screen images could become related symptoms.

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    1. Dear Joared, I'm so sorry to learn that you, too, have these problems and that television, music, and scents exacerbate them. And yes, you are right, the stress I had exacerbated the disease. But for me all is well now except for the occasional Meniere's migraine. I hope that you, too, are more symptom-free. Peace.

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  22. My comment just published while I was in the midst of editing and correcting spelling -- don't know why, 'cause I didn't click on preview or publish. Hope it reads okay, but know exacerbated is spelled incorrectly.

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    1. Dear Joared, no problem. My understanding of words is that often we don't even look at the middle letters, just the first and last in context and we have the word!
      Peace.

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  23. Meniere's sounds truly awful. I am glad you survived and hope it never affects you again. Thank you for sharing how you sunk into the pain, and found relief from panic.

    Congrats on your many downloads!

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    1. Dear Michelle, just this morning I read your most recent posting and so I'll simply say that like Jack I can say "I'm haaaapy now!" Peace.

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  24. nice post thanks for sharing...blessings

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    1. Hello and thanks for stopping by. I'll go to your blog and read your latest posting. Have a lovely day. Peace.

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  25. I'm so sorry you had to go through that :(

    but you are such a strong and amazing person :)
    And that picture is so cute! :)

    Have a nice day :)
    -Baiba-

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  26. Dear Baiba, so nice to have you drop by. I've been wondering how you are and how your fall plans are going for you. Take care and please know that I think of you fondly. Peace.

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  27. A church friend suffers from this, and you have helped me understand her struggles. Such a horrible unpredictable disease!

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    1. Dear Susan, I do think that this is a disease that most people don't understand. So I'm glad when I can help that understanding grow because the disease can leave one feeling lost and alone. It narrows the world down for someone suffering from it Peace.

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  28. Hi Dee, You are indeed a 'Woman of exceptional Courage'. Love the photo of you on your 1904 bed with your precious kitties.
    Be well and happy :)

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    1. Dear Pam, thank you for that compliment! I don't think of myself as particularly
      courageous. But if I am then I think most people are--that is, we cope with, live with, deal with whatever happens in our life to the best of our ability. I bet you do too! Peace.

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  29. It's really great that you write about your life and disease. I guess it's not that easy, but it seems to me that you are a very strong woman. I also like the fact that you love to write and use the internet to share your story with us.

    Thanks for that blog post, and I really loved the picture of you and your cats.

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    1. Dear Sanny, thanks for stopping by. I'm writing an on-line memoir and so Meniere's is part of that. In my posting today, I'll return to when I was a little girl of eight and we moved. I'll visit your blog today also. Peace.

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  30. I love this quote attributed to the Buddha.
    "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
    We remember this, and forget it, and remember again.

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  31. Dear Sandy Sue, thank you for sharing that quote by the Buddha with me. I've never before read it, but I know its truth. Peace.

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