During the next
few weeks, I hope to post stories about growing up in the forties. These
postings will begin with my family moving to Independence, Missouri, in 1942.
If you are new to this blog, you may want to go to the archives to read a
posting or two about my first six years of childhood in Kansas City.
The
fourteen stories linked below detail the first six years of my life. They also
help explain the great need I’ve had much of my life to please people and to prove
I’m worthy of love. Thus, they form the foundation for the stories of my life
that will soon follow.
Of
course, a number of you have read these already. For those of you who haven’t,
please consider at least reading “The World Turned Upside Down,” as it explains
the seminal experience of my life.
The Idyllic First Five Years of My Life
Mom and Dad and me.
Seeming Abandonment My Kindergarten Year
Mom and me in Parsons on my sixth birthday.
My Parents
Return
Here I am as a fearful child.
My Conclusions About All This
My Grandmother Ready.
Basically, the background given by the fourteen postings above is this: I
was born in Kansas City, Missouri, in April 1936. My first five years with Mom
and Dad and my younger brother were idyllic. I was a happy child, at times I
could be quite naughty but I never doubted that my parents loved me. Their love
was the air I breathed.
Then
in late summer of 1941, they moved to Parsons, Kansas, taking my brother with
them, but leaving me behind with neighbors. Thus, my world turned upside down. My mother may have explained the
necessity of their move, but her words didn’t impinge on my five-year-old mind.
I felt bereft. What had I done that made my parents abandon me?
My
father’s mother, Grandma Ready, told me that I’d been naughty and that my
parents had deserted me. For a year I lived with the belief that they’d never
come back.
A year later, when they did return, two incidents—one in front of a
brownstone apartment building and one on a dark street in Kansas City—led me to
believe that they planned on getting rid of my brother and me.
These
two incidents—plus the fact that I’d spent a year away from them, thinking that
something I’d done had made them leave me—changed my childhood. I became shy,
quiet, afraid that at any moment my parents would desert me again.
I
grew up to be a woman who constantly fought a battle between pleasing others so
as to win their love and esteem and marching to the tune of her own drummer.
In
the past year, I’ve used this on-line memoir to explore my life. In doing this,
I’m coming home to myself. I’ve come to understand, I think, the why and
wherefore of that critical kindergarten year. I provide my conclusions about it
in the final three postings of the fourteen links above.
Next
Tuesday, I’ll begin with where I left off last September—with my family and I
moving to the country, and my becoming a first grader at Courtney Grade School.
See you there!
Having read your wonderful blog from the beginning, I can highly recommend each chapter in your life as a valuable insight, not only into your life, but also as an example of how sensitive and delicate our early relationships are in our lives and in determining who we are. Your ability to delve into your past and reveal it to us is breathtaking and I am so grateful to you for sharing it. It is wonderful wonderful stuff!
ReplyDeleteDear Broad, I remember that when you first started reading my blog, you went back and read all the earlier postings! I admired that then and continue to do so. Such fortitude and stick-to-ive-ness!!!!
DeleteIt seems to me that you, too, are delving into your past as you share with us stories about the early years of your life in Britain. I so enjoy reading about how you and your husband fixed that early home and now are working on the one in France.
It's inspiring. Peace.
I find your life, then & now (& the way you relate it) fascinating!
ReplyDeleteDear Fran, thank you for always supporting my writing efforts. You've been reading this blog for so many months and always you've encouraged me. Peace.
DeleteOur childhood molds who we are to become in life. I do not know anyone who escapes this part of life unscathed. How we live our lives is because of or in spite of, and in the end for us to determine.
ReplyDeleteDear Arleen, I couldn't agree more. The mystery for me is why sometimes I learn from an experience and sometimes its teaching eludes me completely. Peace.
DeleteYour story makes me appreciate my childhood more each time I read it! I lived in the same home from the time I was 15 months old until I left home when I married. There was never a day when I really felt anything other than the love of my parents. They weren't real outwardly emotional towards us, they were just there. I'm so sorry you had those abandonment feelings! That seems to devastating to comprehend!
ReplyDeleteDear Nancy, as I work on this blog, coming home to myself, I think often about the many many children living today who's lives are horrendous. And I weep for them. Peace.
DeleteI read these again, some of which I had visited before, but now I have a chronological history of your early childhood, Dee. Thank you for going through these and giving me a chance to hear about your growing up years from the perspective of these fourteen posts culminating with "Much Abides." We are all given difficult crosses to bear in our lives, and who is to say who you might have been without the crucible you passed through. You are a sensitive and gifted writer now, and I am one who benefits from your efforts. Thank you, and I offer you peace as you generously bestow to me every time we communicate.
ReplyDeleteDear DJan, thank you for going back and reading all those postings. That must have taken a considerable time out of your day. As you say, none of us can know exactly why we are what we have become. Always for me there is the mystery of the grace of the moment and our ability or inability to respond to it. Life I've concluded is truly Mystery. Peace.
DeleteSo sad, and so very interesting, Dee. You're the same age as my mother, who grew up in Kansas City. Despite The Great Depression, and WWII, she had an idyllic childhood. My father, however, experienced something like yours where he was left behind with his grandparents at a young age. It turned him bitter and mean. Our trust and confidence can be so deeply damaged by these sort of things. Good for you that you're working through it now!
ReplyDeleteDear Amy, I am grieved to learn about your father. Being left behind by a parent I think most always results in a person feeling unworthy of love. And that truly can lead to bitterness. Why that didn't happen to me, I think, is that mom and dad returned to Kansas City and as time passed I could see that they indeed did love me--very much. I was blessed in their love and their encouragement to dream.
DeletePeace.
My heart hurts at what you had to go through, but it's forged a tender, strong heart of love and compassion in you. Looking forward to the next installment!
ReplyDeleteDear Shelly, thank you for your kind words. We simply never know what an experience can and will mean in our life. My life as been blessed in so many ways. Peace.
DeleteWhat a great summary post with links! I have read every one of them and can hardly wait to hear how your life continues. You tell everything with honesty and care. :)
ReplyDeleteDear Rita, I'm glad you think the summary is good. I can get so wordy and I edited and edited and polished so as I'd just have the facts--as Detective Friday used to say on "Dragnet"! Peace.
DeleteI read all the posts. So sad. So much to which I relate. Perhaps I have been a bad girl all my life, so everyone leaves me. I know that's not true, but sometimes it feels that way.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Dear Janie, I hope you no longer think of yourself as a "bad girl." You are simply someone who's had a breadth of experience that has overwhelmed you at times.
DeleteBut as time passes and I read more and more of what you write on your blog, it seems to me that you are either now holding an umbrella against the downpour of despair or that you have stepped out from under the dark cloud and have turned your face to a new, and sunny, day. Peace.
Sometimes the umbrella is up, but often, I don't even need it. But I'm so lonely.
DeleteDear Janie, I, too, sometimes feel the touch of loneliness, but the truth is that mostly I find myself interesting and so I read or watch television or simply enjoy my own thoughts. But I know that's not always easy. Still, I find you an extremely interesting woman. I hope you appreciate yourself. Peace.
DeleteWow. I'm glad you reposted these links. I missed a lot of this!
ReplyDeleteDear Emily, I wrote all of those postings last July-August-September and you and I didn't discover one another's blogs until this spring. Thank you for reading one or so of those links as they will help you understand my future postings on growing up. Peace.
DeleteI have all ready read some and will return to read the rest. I am amazed how you turned out so very well. Some with your backgound would understandably seek unhealthy ways to cope. Not too sure if that had happened to me that I wouldn't have turned to making a living on my back in search of "love."
ReplyDeleteYou have incredible strength.
Dear Arkansas Patti, the reason I didn't make "a living on my back in search of 'love'" will become clear as I write future postings that will include being molested by a neighbor for about three months. That, too, affected my life for a long, long time. Peace.
DeleteI'm so excited to read these as the postings unfold. Thanks for allowing us to be part of this journey.
ReplyDeleteDear Elisa, thank you for sticking with me through all the twists and turns of this on-line blog! Peace.
DeleteI am glad to be looking forward to more of your story. I find the idea that you lived apart from your parents for that one pivotal year just so hard to think about. My granddaughter Sophia begins Kindergarten in another month and will turn five shortly thereafter. I cannot imagine what the disappearance of her parents would do to her little psyche. She and I have a loving and wonderful relationship, and I care for her often, but I'm no replacement for her mama! I think that you're so wise to have used this blogging experience to synthesize so many different memories and to take a look at your feelings associated with those memories! Each time you share I'm left with the belief that you have a wonderfully strong spirit that just can't be denied! I continue to wish you well with your many exciting projects! Debra
ReplyDeleteDear Debra, a psychiatrist has told me that the seminal experience of my life was that kindergarten year when I felt that my parents had abandoned me. When I see five years olds and realize just how young they are, I truly appreciate what happened. But I have been fortunate because Mom and Dad returned and I finally came--after several years--to realize that they did love me and weren't going to desert me.
DeleteThank you for your support as I work on my writing. Right now I'm in the midst of writing query letters to editors and agents. So wish me luck! Peace.
Thank you for the recap here, Dee. I've read your past posts, sometimes more than once, and always appreciate how your childhood helped mold you into the adult you became. That feeling of abandonment is so strong, isn't it, and lingers so long. That your grandmother was cruel is a given and makes me wonder at how many children, from time everlasting, have been scarred by such people. I also wonder how many carry on to adulthood and become such giving and caring people, such as you. Well, dear Dee, I look forward to reading your next life's chapters.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it has taken me so many days to comment here. Bit of busyness and computer problems got in the way. Such is life at times.
Dear Penny, yes, such is life at times. Back in late April, early May I had so many problems with the computer that I had to go to the Apple Store at the Plaza in Kansas City, Missouri. They were unable to help and so I ended up on the phone with four tiers of AT&T technicians. Cost me $50 to talk to the final and fourth tier but that tech solved the problem! Peace.
ReplyDeleteFollowing the chronicles of your life has been like walking beside you. They were so well written.
ReplyDeleteDear Susan, thank you for your kind words about my writing. That means a lot to me. Peace.
DeleteI love how you write with so much honesty, that is not always easy to do.
ReplyDeleteYou are one amazing woman, Dee.
be well and happy :)
Dear Pam, thank you. And what I so know from your blog is that you are one amazing observer and photographer of wild life.
DeleteI loved reading those post when you first posted them. It was so interesting to get to know you from childhood on Miss Dee. I am truly blessed to call you friend.
ReplyDeleteDear Melynda, I'm interested also in finding out just what I'm going to write about!!! Peace.
DeleteDee, that was so awful for you as a little child to be told your parents left you because you were naughty. How wicked of your grandmother!! How could she say this to you? I can imagine you would believe what she told you, as children do.
ReplyDeleteMy own mother went to live with her grandparents and aunts when she was 8yrs to 12 yrs. Instead of loving her as family, she was treated like the poor relation,and looked down upon. The stigma has stayed with her all of her life. She was the eldest of four children. The youngest child died while mum was away from home, and the brother and sister left, grew up close to each other, but mum was the outsider. This would have been during the nineteen twenties. I think society has come a long way in understanding trauma caused through certain life events. One of my own daughters is divorced from her husband and has a ten year old daughter as well as two older sons. I love that child. They live a couple of streets from me, and are always coming over. Once there was a problem between them and my granddaughter packed her back and said she was moving to Nanna's (me). She didn't come but hid down the back yard. She knew I would tell her she must listen to her mother.. I hug and kiss my grandchildren all the time. Even my over six feet grandsons..and they love it.
Much love sent to you today my friend.. See yourself as that little girl again in your mind and give yourself a big hug, and tell yourself that, you love you, just as you are.. You are perfect because God never makes mistakes. xx
Dear Crystal, thank you for sharing the sad and tragic story of your mother and also your own story of being such a fine grandmother to your grandchildren.
DeleteYou know when I think of that little girl back in kindergarten I do embrace her with my thoughts. I find her quite brave. With a lot of fortitude. She delights me even as I grieve for her.
Peace.
Wow, what a rich mine of recollection, Dee! Thanks for all these leads!
ReplyDeleteDear Kate, thank you for seeing all those links as "a rich mine of recollection." That makes me glad. Peace.
DeleteDee, I'm so behind with blog reading that I have bookmarked this page to read at my leisure so that I can savour each post as it deserves. Your writing is so full of insight and humanity that I hate to rush the reading of it. All these will be new to me as I only found your blog last autumn and I look forward to learning more about your childhood.
ReplyDeleteDear Perpetua, some of those postings were posted last September, so you may have read them. I so admire your own insight and humanity and so to have you say that my postings show both gladdens me.
DeleteI wonder if you've gotten to read the M.C. Beaton light mysteries with the heroine of Agatha Raisin. The minister's wife surely continues to remind me of your "insight and humanity." Your great good sense about life. Peace.
I can hardly wait to read more of your story, and to, one day, hold the entirety in my hand as a book. Hope you're having a good summer. Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my blog. Your words always make part of me take flight.
ReplyDeleteDear Deb, thank you for your belief that one day all this will be published. I, of course, so look forward to reading your lyrical writing in published form.
DeleteMy summer goes well and part of it is enjoying those postings you did on Belize. What a wonderful trip. As I said in my most recent comment on your blog, I so look forward to learning more about ways in which the trip satisfied the yearnings of your soul. Peace.
You are such a wonderful writer -- I didn't read your earlier posts, so I will go back.
ReplyDeleteDear Inger, thank you for saying you'll go back and read those posts. But you know the thing is that that's going to take a lot of time, so maybe one or two would explain things. Peace.
ReplyDeleteMy parents left me behind in 1953 and my brother and I were plot up too but he went to relatives too. I think that loss of parents at a young age does leave it's mark. I searched for years to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteDear Heidrun, Yes, I too searched for years to understand why I felt as I did--as if friends would abandon me for no reason if I didn't always act the way they wanted me to. Finally, when I was in my forties I came to understand it, but only with professional help. Peace.
Delete